- Lindsey C. Gibson, a psychologist, coined the term “emotionally immature parents.”
- She said there are 4 types, from reactive and critical to passive and emotionally absent.
- Most parents fall into one type, and all types can negatively impact kids in the long term.
Relationships with parents or caregivers can be strained for many reasons. If you feel like you can’t connect with your parent or like you’re walking on eggshells around them, it’s possible they’re emotionally immature.
Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson, a clinical psychologist, coined the term in her bestselling book, “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.”
While these parents are sometimes labeled as “narcissists,” Gibson previously told Business Insider that she finds the label too broad and unhelpful.
Instead, she told BI that emotionally immature parents generally “show problems with being egocentric” and deal with conflict by “denying, dismissing, or distorting anything they find unpleasant.” They also struggle with self-reflection and empathy, which makes it hard for them to really bond with their kids.
These relationships can be confusing because these parents are often not all bad, she said. They can meet your physical needs, such as taking care of you when you’re sick or offering lots of financial support. But emotionally, they fall short.
Gibson said there are four types of emotionally immature parents. While a parent can be more than one type, she said that most tend to fall into one category. She defines each type by the parent’s “unique methods of coping with emotion and stress.”
She shared the four types as well as the effects emotionally immature parents have on their kids.
1. Reactive parents
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Reactive parents struggle to regulate their emotions. They can appear volatile and erratic, getting angry or upset over issues you wouldn’t expect them to. Gibson refers to reactive parents as “emotional parents” because they behave like they’re ruled by their feelings.
“They make life so unpleasant when they get upset that people start involuntarily automatically thinking twice before they speak or do something,” Gibson said.
Kids of parents like these often grow up to be people-pleasers, always on the lookout for potential conflict that they might need to stamp out. They may also have a hard time setting boundaries or even disentangling their feelings from their parents’.
2. Highly critical parents
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Highly critical parents are perfectionists who nitpick at everything their child does. Gibson also calls them “driven” parents, because “they’re always going after something.”
In childhood, they may pick apart your grades or gymnastics performance. In adulthood, it can evolve into judging your job, lifestyle, or appearance.
“They can be very pushy and very controlling,” Gibson said, not caring about the impact their words have on you. “It’s coming from a belief that in order to be anybody or accomplish anything, you’ve got to really have that drive and keep on trying to be perfect, otherwise you’re likely to be a total failure.”
Kids of these parents can end up burning out or choosing careers they don’t like, simply because their parents would disapprove of their passions.
3. Passive parents
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Passive parents are often the more “fun” parents. In fact, they tend to be the most emotionally present out of all four types, Gibson said. They’re at their best when they’re playing a game with you or taking you to an amusement park.
“The problem is that they are just kind of passive in their role as a parent,” Gibson said. When faced with more challenging aspects of parenthood, like pushing back if their spouse screams at their child, they step back. They might literally leave the room as abuse happens.
“They don’t seem to feel that protective need to step in to help the child,” Gibson said.
When their child exhibits any uncomfortable emotions, such as anger or fear, the passive parent doesn’t comfort or even acknowledge them. They might even deny a child’s abuse allegations because it would complicate the family dynamic to confront the other parent or another relative.
It makes it hard for their kids to have healthy relationships later in life. They learn to hide their feelings and receive no guidance on how to resolve conflict effectively, Gibson said.
4. Emotionally absent parents
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Emotionally absent parents act like their child doesn’t exist. Gibson calls them “rejecting” parents because they’re unable to respond to their child’s emotional needs or bids for attention.
“That child feels not important enough to command the parent’s attention,” she said. It can cause issues in a child’s self-esteem.
Because these children are so frequently ignored, she said they can later date narcissistic people who finally give them the focus they’ve always craved. They’re so used to accepting the bare minimum from people that they might not have high standards for their partners or friends.
Dealing with emotionally immature parents
If you recognize your parent in any of these, there are a few things you can do to become less enmeshed.
You can set boundaries with a parent by slowing down your speech and calmly restating your needs. If you have the kind of parent who always criticizes you, you can practice the “gray rock method,” giving unemotional, neutral responses to keep drama at bay.
If those tactics are too challenging or you feel unsafe around your parent, you can consider lowering your contact or completely cutting ties.
Even if it’s tough at first, it’s always possible to break the cycle by standing your ground and focusing on healthier relationships in your life.
