I’m Angry I Must Support My Mom and Grandma Financially As They Age

I’m 36 and constantly worry about making enough money to support my small family of three: myself, my mother, and her mother.

Nearly three years ago, we made a big decision to help my mother with her expenses by allowing her to move in at 55 years old. My mom had some significant debts to pay down — partly because being single and underpaid in this economy is expensive, but also because my mother has historically been bad at managing her personal finances.

Well, the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. My grandmother (my mom’s mom) is still working at 76 because she has to. The threat of losing her Social Security keeps me up at night.

If I have to start paying for either of their bills, I don’t know what I will do. It frustrates me that I have to prioritize working extra hard and finding work that pays not just well but exceptionally well to mitigate their personal financial situations.

I feel obligated to help my mother and grandmother

My role has quickly changed from what should be a normal parent-child relationship to a financial advisor. I frequently coach my mother into asking for more money at her job or finding a new one that pays more. I also remind her to cut back on expenses and create savings goals.

At this point, I’m doing it for my own self-preservation because if she doesn’t, I’ll be the one to foot the bill. And I hate it.

What’s even more frustrating is that I’m not even on speaking terms with my grandmother. Our estranged relationship has had its ups and downs. She texts a handful of times a year, but we haven’t seen each other in person in nearly two years. I could use all of this as reasoning for why I shouldn’t be the one to support her, but I know it’ll still fall on me.

Even if our relationship isn’t great, I know I’m incapable of letting her struggle. I know I’ll step in. But that doesn’t make me feel proud that I’m capable of doing that; it makes me feel bitter that I was put in the position in the first place.

I want to break the cycle

While I’m highly annoyed by their financial situation, I’m equally (if not more) annoyed by the system that allowed them to fail.

My grandmother was a young, unwed mother with no higher education. My mother, also a young, single mother, didn’t get her degree until after I had mine. Education aside, their biggest hardship was and is their lack of financial education.

I hate to admit that I’d most likely be in their same situation if I weren’t married to someone who taught me basic financial literacy.

I don’t want praise for stepping up. I want a world where women like my mom and grandmother didn’t have to rely on their daughters to survive.

I’m doing everything I can to break that cycle, but some days I wonder if I’m just patching holes in a sinking ship — and hoping my daughter never ends up with the same bucket in her hands.