- I have a close bond with my children — especially with my only daughter, who just started college.
- I often contact her professors to see if she’s OK and if she is doing well in class.
- My daughter wants me to respect her boundaries, but I’m struggling.
I’ve always been a hands-on mom. Ever since my children were young, I wanted to be there for all the moments that mattered.
With my husband away working most of the time, it was only me and my little ones, so we developed an unbreakable bond.
While I never wanted my sons and daughter to grow up, time flew by, and they were in their teenage years in no time.
Of course, my boys are older, and I didn’t worry about them much. They completed school, moved out, and left my daughter and me to fend for ourselves. That was until my daughter started college, and now I’m struggling to let go.
I always kept a watchful eye on my daughter
Like my sons, my daughter came of age and enrolled in college. The decision to live away from home hit me hard because it meant I had to cut the cord.
For many years, I’ve been the one taking care of every little thing she needs. I know her passcodes and credit card number.
I’ve had good reason to be hyper-focused on my daughter’s well-being because she is my only girl. I’ve always been protective of that fact, and while my boys could always take care of themselves, I believe it’s different with my girl.
I can’t loosen my grip on her even though she’s in college now
Seeing my daughter off to college was bittersweet. For the first month or two, I was incessantly worried about how she would do — whether she would make good friends or if she would find her way through campus.
My only logical conclusion has been to keep tabs on her. I contact her campus faculty regularly.
Like any concerned parent, I have called her college professors several times and asked whether she attends all her classes and if she appears distressed. I also keep up with her grades. Hearing from her professors that she is fine is the only thing that comforts me sometimes.
I’ve also checked to ensure she’s having her laundry done.
I’m focused on still being involved in her daily life even though she lives away from home.
Although my daughter doesn’t appreciate my efforts, desperate times call for desperate measures.
My daughter is now asking for space
My over-involvement has strained our relationship because she feels I’m not giving her the independence she so desires.
I struggle to rationalize with her way of thinking as I’m going above and beyond to check on her because I care. Any mom will tell you that the stakes are always high when it comes to our kids.
Even when we do things that others don’t understand, it’s usually in the best interest of our children.
However, conversations with my daughter give me a chance to reassess myself and my actions. I think I’m just scared of letting her go and losing her in the process. I have little to no control over her life going forward and I’m realizing that she does not need me like she used to. She’s no longer a little girl but growing into a smart and independent young woman.
I’m trying to let go
I learned that over-managing our children removes their feelings of competence and autonomy, which works against their connection with us. I don’t want to risk this with my daughter, so I’m learning to give her the space she needs at school.
We’ve had follow-up conversations to find out what she is OK with and where she feels I’m overstepping the boundaries. This was an important step in understanding what she needs and identifying where she feels unheard or uncomfortable.
These changes will not happen overnight, and I still deal with the incessant desire to check on her in school, but slowly, I’m learning to stop micromanaging her life.
