This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Ruth Olinger, 70, who is raising her grandson on her own in Lakeland, Florida. Olinger had earlier fostered dozens of children and did mission work. Now, Olinger said she can’t retire and pays over $10,000 for her son’s day care. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
I was raised by my grandparents. My grandmother had rheumatoid arthritis, so my grandfather did the cooking and cleaning. She was bedridden for 16 years, and I would take care of her. He had a stroke one day, and he was never the same. We were then placed in foster care when I was 8, and my brother was 10. We were separated after three months.
My brother was in several different homes and got emancipated at 16. I was in 10 homes, so I called 10 different parents “mom” and “dad.” I always felt like I wasn’t good enough and wondered if I was lovable.
I went to college at 17 and graduated early. I got married at 18 because I had nowhere else to go. My grandparents had died. I had two sons, and at the age of 28, I met my biological father.
I knew I wanted to give back in some way, so I fostered 51 children over the years, all of which were during my single years. I didn’t want anybody to feel less than. The harder they were to love, the better I liked them. They all needed to be loved and feel secure in their environment.
I got divorced and remarried after 15 years. I had a son 18 years after my last son. Then, I adopted our daughter. A few years ago, I adopted my grandson, and I now call him my son. At age 70, I have five children. The oldest is 48, and the youngest, Atlas, is 7.
I’ve never really worried about finances.
I have faith that everything will work out. I’ve worked three jobs at one time. I’ve mowed grass with one son sitting on my lap and the other holding onto the back of the lawnmower. I mowed four acres of land for $10, and that gave us milk for the week. I worked in insurance and banking, but I fell in love with mission work and helping other people. At one time, I was working 90 hours a week.
There are givers and takers in the world, and I’m a giver. I raised millions to build a center for homeless women and children. I did mission work in Belgium, Italy, Scotland, Ireland, West Africa, and Kenya. I helped operate two orphanages. I recently gave clothes to a single mom who didn’t have.
I also cared for my natural mother, who did not raise me, as well as my best friend. I built my house so that we would have enough room for all of us to be together. I always considered it a privilege to be here with them and help them through tough times.
I adopted my grandson.
I’ve cared for my youngest pretty much since he was born. His mother, my daughter, had him for over a year, but it wasn’t working out, so they allowed me to adopt him. He’s absolutely perfect, and he adds so much to my life. He’s eager, interested, and curious. Of course, he has some health issues and loses his temper from time to time. But he is definitely a blessing.
He was diagnosed with a disease that was time-consuming to get him the diagnosis, and it hit my finances because I lost days of work. It takes a special person to love that child, tuck them in bed every night, and hold them when they’re hurting.
My daughter and I didn’t talk for about two and a half years, but we’re very close now. She has many gifts and talents. Sometimes, though, you get in the wrong relationship.
I’ve tried not to let my age get in the way of anything.
I’m able to walk and care for myself. I still climb into the playground and play with Atlas. We’ve camped outside in tents. There is plenty I can’t do that I did with my older children. I let him race up and down the driveway, which I don’t do.
In some ways, I’m more patient with him because of my experience raising children and being older. In other ways, I’m less patient because, as you get older, there is a point where you can be less patient, but the quality is still the same. We sit down and talk about earning things because of responsibility. I do a lot more homework with him than I did with my other kids when they were in school. He’s dyslexic, which can be a challenge, but he’s maturing.
During the summer, I take him swimming. I think he’s part fish because he wants to stay in all the time. He loves to ride his bike and watch TV.
I don’t fit in with younger people raising young children, and I also don’t fit in with the senior groups because they don’t have to hire babysitters for outings.
My weeks are usually packed.
I work at a car dealership as an officer manager. I do a bit of everything, and I enjoy the challenge of helping people with financial or legal aspects. When he’s asleep, I do my work in Kenya from abroad. I take off Saturdays to take him to fun places.
The biggest challenge for grandparents, I believe, is day care and health insurance. The advantage of adoption is that the state helps you with health insurance, but I’ve paid $10,400 a year for day care, which will blow your socks off when you weren’t expecting that. I paid less than that when I had two kids.
Times have changed, and the grocery store gives me sticker shock. I spent $150 on my last grocery bill. I would much prefer to be sitting where nobody can see me and pay others’ checks, but I don’t have that luxury.
I’m not rich by any means, and we don’t have everything that we want.
We do have what we need. We can supplement if we’re running short. We can have egg sandwiches and grilled cheese instead of steak and lobster.
My concern is that my Social Security is $1,500 a month. Who can live on that? Add on the county property tax, which is $4,500 a year, and homeowner’s insurance at $3,800 a year. That’s a lot of money. I have my budget written out, and I pay my bills upfront. I’m pretty savvy when it comes to saving.
I will have to work until I step into my casket because I want my son to have what he needs. I’ve been asked to serve as a director of some local foundations because they know my background.
He’s not going to have the best part of me because I’m getting older. You have to have hope and work as hard as you can. I don’t want to be an absent parent, and I want to make sure that he has some advantages when I’m not there.
However, I don’t want him to be handicapped by thinking that I’m going to give him everything. I want him to be able to stand on his own two feet and be whatever he wants to be.
