I had the chance to relive being a teenager when I attended my 20-year high school reunion. It was like traveling back in time to when I felt most awkward and insecure.
The guy I used to obsess over walked up to me twice and said hello to someone behind me, almost elbowing me in the head to shake their hand. Then, all the blood drained from my face when another classmate said they remembered me because my sister was the “popular one” with all the friends.
It might seem like the night was a complete disaster. But that would be my anxiety talking and drowning out the many positive interactions I had with new and familiar faces, especially the ones who set down their drinks to embrace me with both arms.
If you’re anxious about seeing your former classmates, you’re not alone. I received advice from therapists on approaching your high school reunion, including managing your expectations and avoiding assumptions about your old friends and rivals.
Here are the dos and don’ts of attending your high school reunion.
Do: Acknowledge how you’re feeling
Reuniting with your classmates can bring up mixed emotions, from excitement and nostalgia to fear and dread. “It’s completely normal and valid to have conflicting feelings about a reunion,” Natalie Moore, a Los Angeles-based licensed marriage and family therapist, told Business Insider.
You might associate high school with painful memories like being bullied or excluded from social gatherings. Taking time to notice your feelings can help build self-awareness, which in turn can lead to greater confidence and self-acceptance, she said.
Don’t: Compare your life to someone else’s
There’s a lot of pressure to achieve milestones like getting married, having kids, owning a home, or having a fulfilling career. “As the reunion approaches, be mindful of the expectations and predictions that pop up in your mind,” Moore said.
Remember that everyone has their own path and timeline. “Even the person who appears to have it all together has their own quiet struggles that they’re dealing with,” she said.
Do: Consider what makes you feel your best
We tend to feel more confident when we plan ahead. Think about what makes you feel good so you can relax and be in the moment when you’re at your reunion, Patrice Le Goy, a psychologist and licensed marriage and family therapist, told BI.
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“For some people, it will be important to have accomplishments to share, and for others, it will be having that perfect outfit picked out,” she said.
You don’t want to sound rehearsed, but it might help to have a script or a few life updates in mind, especially if you tend to overshare or get nervous in social settings.
Don’t: Gossip about people or their appearance
When a conversation stalls, it can be tempting to engage in gossip. “You may regret it if you use this time to speak badly about people you haven’t seen in a long time, especially if it gets back to them,” Le Goy said.
As visual creatures, we tend to notice people’s appearance, especially if they look different from how we remember them.
“However, making comments about someone’s body, even if you believe you’re giving a compliment, can trigger people and make them feel self-conscious,” Moore said.
Do: Ask questions
A crowded reunion may not be the best venue for deep conversations, but that shouldn’t stop you from getting reacquainted. “It’s much more fun to allow yourself to be surprised by how much your classmates have grown and changed over the years,” Moore said.
Consider your own evolution since high school. Your classmates have likely experienced similar transformations, and when you don’t ask questions, you’re more likely to judge people.
Don’t: Jump to conclusions
If you haven’t spoken to your classmates in a while, it’s easy to make assumptions and create unfounded narratives about their lives. Perhaps you’re speculating about why your prom date moved to another country or you’re picturing yourself standing up to your high school bully at the reunion.
“Social media only gives us a fraction of the full story,” Le Goy said. “Try not to assume someone’s marriage is on the rocks because of one cryptic post or, alternately, that someone’s life is perfect because they seem so happy online or from stories that you hear from other people.”
Moore emphasized the importance of practicing curiosity rather than jumping to conclusions or reacting to past experiences. Try practicing the thought: I wonder if this individual will be there and how their personality has changed over the years.
Do: Set an intention for the reunion
Another way to boost your confidence is to think about your purpose in going to the reunion. “If you are measuring your level of enjoyment based on whether you are the most successful or the most attractive, you will probably be disappointed,” Le Goy said.
Her advice is to think about how you want to feel at the end of the night whether it’s being happy that you reconnected with friends or feeling relieved that you’ve gotten over your high school crush.
“These are more helpful expectations than just wanting to be better than everyone else,” she said.
Don’t: Panic if you lose touch
If you’re enjoying reconnecting with someone, consider asking for their contact information and how they prefer to stay in touch, Moore said. “Some people love in-person hangouts while others find it more convenient to text or FaceTime,” she added.
Similar to asking someone on a date, the saying “no risk, no reward” applies here. “People’s lives are so busy and even though the intention may be there to stay connected, often the follow-through is more difficult,” Le Goy said.
She suggests staying away from big declarations, like planning a trip together. “Stick with more accessible options like connecting on social media or starting a text chain which can build up to in person meet ups,” she said.
Whatever happens at your reunion, remember how far you’ve come since high school. Because of the way our brains are wired, our former classmates may loom large in our memories, but they don’t define who we are today.
Nandini Maharaj is a freelance writer covering health, wellness, identity, and relationships. She holds a master’s degree in counseling and a doctorate in public health.
