When my children and I lived together under the same roof full time, preparing their lunches was one of my primary love languages.
Our family belonged to two community-supported agriculture programs (CSAs) on Long Island’s East End. Our kitchen was always filled with fresh produce, eggs, jams, sauces, specialty foods, and whatever we had decided to bake that week.
We made sweet and savory breads, scones, and muffins for the children to bring to school or camp. Their lunches were not so elaborate, but they were creative and fun. We made dishes like stir-fries, tacos, loaded mac and cheese, casseroles, slow-cooker meals, sandwiches, pasta, seasoned chicken strips, and rice bowls.
After my marriage ended, the day-to-day rhythm entirely transformed. It’s now difficult for me to make my kids’ school lunches.
Despite the difficulties, I still wanted to make school lunches
I now live 30 to 40 minutes from my children, who live primarily with their father in East Hampton. During the summer, that drive can become two to three times as long.
Traffic between Hampton Bays and East Hampton is notoriously difficult, and on the worst mornings, a trip that should take less than an hour can stretch to nearly two hours or longer.
At first, I tried to maintain our old routine by preparing a variety of lunches on Sunday before bringing the children back to their father’s house.
But as an event planner and producer in the Hamptons, weekends are consistently the busiest part of my workweek.
During the summer, I may spend an entire weekend overseeing events, coordinating staffing and vendors, managing schedules and timelines, and traveling between locations, which can be the most time-consuming.
I found myself prepping and cooking late at night, already exhausted from the day. I was determined to keep doing everything the way I had before for the best interests of my children.
Eventually, I had to admit that rushing through several meals at once did not recreate what I missed about cooking for my children. I could not always give this task of cooking and prepping lunches for school and camp the same time, creativity, or attention. I really desired for my children to receive balanced, home-cooked food prepared with love and care.
My work ultimately helped me find a solution
As an event producer, I have the pleasure of working with several talented private chefs across the Hamptons. I have known one of these chefs for six years, after initially meeting at our children’s preschool in Sagaponack.
Because chefs often purchase ingredients in larger quantities or have strong relationships with local farms, and prepare food in advance for their clients and families, I asked whether I could compensate her for setting aside additional portions for my children. She agreed.
I also received help from another mother in the local Latino community, whom I first met last summer. She regularly cooks for a large household, and I pay her to prepare additional meals for my children. I pick them up on Sundays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays while traveling east to collect my children. Her home is along my route heading further east, which makes the arrangement manageable even during my busiest weeks.
The meals are homemade, varied, and complete with foods my children enjoy, like pulled and seasoned chicken with rice, cheeses, crunchy vegetables, leafy greens, and other dishes that travel well in a lunchbox.
I compensate these women because their time, ingredients, talent, and labor have tremendous value.
I first worried about paying someone to prepare my children’s lunches
Moms are often made to feel that love can be measured by how much we personally accomplish, especially in the kitchen. It can be difficult to let go of the idea that doing everything yourself is somehow the highest expression of devotion.
But I approach this unique way of doing things with a different set of eyes.
I remain involved by selecting meals, collecting them, packing what is needed, and noting what my children like. Most importantly, I have more energy and focus to be present when we are together.
The arrangement has also renewed my interest in cooking. Both women share ideas and cooking tips with me, and I have started recreating some of their dishes with my children on weekends.
Rather than taking cooking away from our relationship, accepting help has given us new recipes and traditions to explore. My children still see me cook, but now they also see that families can support one another and that asking for help is not the same as caring less.
Paying another mother to help make my children’s lunches is not the way I once imagined handling this part of parenthood. But it has become both a practical and positive form of mutual support while keeping my children nourished.
This choice allows me to keep building a stable life for my family and a little something new to look forward to.
