Let me state upfront that while I’ll be talking about a particular element of the recent Barbie movie, I have not actually seen the film and I don’t have any particular plans to do so.
That said, the movie certainly made a big impact, and one scene in particular is often cited as being particularly powerful. In this scene, Gloria, portrayed by the actress America Fererra, gives an impassioned speech to Barbie about how it’s “literally impossible to be a woman.” What makes it impossible, she explains, is that women are held to a wide range of expectations that are irreconcilable, so no matter what they do it’s always wrong. In an article talking about how people responded to this speech, one viewer says she loved it because it revealed “how self-contradictory society’s expectations of women are,” and this was a common reaction. But I want to suggest there is something misguided here.
Now, one way to respond is to say that men, too, can also claim to feel themselves bound by all kinds of impossible and contradictory expectations. And it’s worth pointing out that the director of the Barbie movie herself agrees – she’s quoted in the aforementioned article saying men “have their own speech they feel they can’t ever give, you know? And they have their twin tightrope, which is also painful.” Meghan Daum re-wrote the Barbie speech to apply to men making this point. For example, in the movie, Gloria says:
You’re supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you’re supposed to be a part of the sisterhood. But always stand out and always be grateful. But never forget that the system is rigged. So find a way to acknowledge that but also always be grateful.
Daum re-writes this as:
You’re supposed to be good-looking for women but not so good-looking that you seem unserious or vain or like you’re overcompensating for something else. You have to distinguish yourself without seeming like you’re trying too hard. You have to make your accomplishments known without bragging or coming across as desperate. You have to win at the game while making sure to say that you know the system is rigged in your favor. You have to say this even if it’s not rigged anymore, or at least doesn’t feel that way. Or maybe it is rigged, which means you don’t actually deserve anything you’ve ever gotten. But you got it anyway. Or maybe you didn’t, but in either case, you have to be grateful.
But this isn’t the response I would have to the Barbie speech. To me, both speeches miss the mark because they make the same error. The mental anguish expressed by both Gloria and Daum’s re-write come from the fundamental mistake of thinking the idea that “society expects” such-and-such from you is even a coherent idea to begin with.
“Society” has no expectations – “society” is not a self-aware entity of any kind. In a given society, there are a lot of people, and those people have a wide range of preferences, desires, and expectations. But these incompatible preferences among individuals do not somehow magically transmute into “society” having multiple and contradictory “expectations” of you specifically.
If you are the kind of person who likes to chat with strangers on public transportation, some people will find your chattiness to be obnoxious and imposing. On the other hand, if you sit silently keeping to yourself, some people will find you standoffish and dour. If you somehow get it into your head that this means “society” expects impossibly contradictory things from you, that “society” demands that you have to be both chatty and outgoing but simultaneously leave people alone and not disturb anyone, you’re going to end up mentally tying yourself in knots over a concept – what “society” “wants” – that doesn’t even exist. A better and far more psychologically healthy response is to simply recognize that in a given society there are a lot of different people with different preferences and expectations, and there’s nothing you can do that will please everyone.
Gloria has it wrong about what’s impossible here. It’s not that “society” has impossible and self-contradictory “expectations” that can never be fulfilled. The idea that “society” has “expectations” in any way relevantly analogous to how people have expectations is itself the impossibility. The fictional Gloria, and the real-world people who think like her, could save themselves a lot of needless emotional and psychological agony by recognizing this.
