- Whenever my son and I had big disagreements, I would walk away and give myself a timeout to think.
- I felt guilty for abandoning him in those moments, but I had to prioritize my hurt.
- Now, as an adult, he said that move was my best parenting technique.
When my son was younger, he was always quick to smooth things over when we would get into a disagreement or argument — usually with a hug or an apology.
Pushing the issues aside before we had the time to process them became a habit.
However, when my son, Johnathan, became a teenager, he got into trouble with the law. Our disagreements became bigger and couldn’t easily be solved with a hug.
Sometimes, I was so blindsided by something Johnathan had done that I felt overwhelmed with anger and fear. His instinct was to repair things immediately—to hug me, to smooth it over—but I couldn’t. I needed space.
To prevent myself from saying something I’d regret, I’d walk away and give myself time to think. I was in self-preservation mode, simply trying to process my emotions before I could even begin to repair our relationship.
Physically walking away from my son felt like abandoning him, but years later, he told me it was a great parenting technique.
I learned my time away also gave him time to think
Johnathan is now an adult and living a happy life. While chatting about our experiences one day, he blurted out, “You taking that space was the best parenting move you had.”
Confused, I asked him to explain.
He told me that when he rushed in to smooth things over, it was an attempt to feel better, presumably to release any guilt or shame associated with his actions. However, he now had space to think when met with a literal timeout.
Johnathan told me this time away from each other made him reflect and sit with what he’d done. In addition to making sense of his actions, he could easily and clearly see how he hurt me in the process.
His conscience was online, and the time I took to myself also allowed him to really think about things. That result was unintentional but highly effective.
I felt guilty for taking care of myself first
At our worst, I worried I might have said something I’d regret if I didn’t give myself space. And that, more than anything, was what I wanted to avoid.
Still, I felt guilty. It felt unnatural to walk away when I only wanted to pull him close. Refusing his request for affection was damn near impossible at the time. Purposefully rejecting my child is not something loving mothers do, I told myself.
But I also knew that my hurt needed attention first. I needed to care for myself before I could care for him.
Stepping back was exactly what we both needed
When I asked Johnathan what his biggest takeaway from this experience was, he told me that my timeout clearly demonstrated that “you can’t fix everything with words.”
He also indicated that this process showed him when relationships rupture, it takes time to heal.
Looking back, I realize my instincts served us both. My son learned that words alone can’t always fix things; time and action matter just as much.
I learned that trusting myself, even when it felt uncomfortable, was the best thing I could do for both of us.
Now, when I see him navigate conflicts in his own life, I recognize the ripple effect of those moments. He doesn’t rush to smooth things over; he listens, reflects, and allows others the same grace we unknowingly offered one another in the most challenging times.
