My oldest is 8 and super responsible, so I’ve started giving him a bit more independence. Things like riding his bike to one of the two parks within a block of our house or staying home alone for a few minutes while I go to a neighbor’s house.
But giving him more freedom also comes with more anxiety on my part. As a mom, I’ve struggled with not knowing exactly where he was enjoying his new independence without me. Since we’re anti-devices for kids under 16, I figured out a new way to track him — a small AirTag placed in an inconspicuous spot on his bike.
As expected, it didn’t take him long to find it, and when he did, he was irate. “You don’t trust me!” he’d yelled, incensed and embarrassed. Then I realized something: while knowing his location helped alleviate my anxiety, it undercut his newfound freedom.
Here’s what I learned from this experience, and how I’d do things differently next time.
It undermined trust
Since he was a responsible kid, I had always given him a bit more freedom than a normal 7 or 8-year-old. I could tell him to come back in 15 minutes for dinner or to leave for practice, and nine times out of 10 he would show up, right on time. He usually made good decisions, always looked before he crossed the street, and knew not to talk to strange adults.
He had earned my trust with a history of good decision-making, and tracking him without his permission had damaged that hard-earned trust.
I let anxiety win
Years ago, I read Kim Brooks’ “Small Animals: Parenthood in the Age of Fear,” and without being dramatic, it totally changed my view on parenting.
The book is based on the premise that anxiety and fear have taken over modern parenting, and that as parents, we’re worrying about all the wrong things. For example, statistically speaking, the chances of your child getting abducted are actually quite low. Kids are getting much less freedom in the real world than they used to, which undermines their independence and autonomy, Brooks writes.
In the end, I’m disappointed in myself for letting anxiety win over and giving in to the urge to know where he is at all times. Because logically speaking, letting him venture out into the world as a responsible 8-year-old in a relatively safe neighborhood isn’t inherently dangerous.
It gives a false sense of security
AirTags aren’t meant to track people. That’s because they use other people’s Apple devices to estimate a location. So in my case, if my son were riding his bike to a park and there was no one around with an iPhone, it wouldn’t give an accurate location.
Plus, the AirTag was on his bike, so it wasn’t actually tracking him. Meaning that if he left his bike and went somewhere else, I’d have a false sense of security thinking he was in the same place as his bike, which may or may not be true.
What I’d do differently next time
If I had it to do again, I would have been honest with him and told him about the AirTag. I would have explained to him why I wanted to know where he was, and that it wasn’t because I didn’t trust him. That an AirTag actually gave him more freedom, not less.
I also think I need to do a better job separating my anxiety from inherent risk. Giving kids limits is fine, but we can’t do so at the expense of their growth, development, and right to exist in the world independent of their parents.
And we will eventually explore other options as he gets older to keep him safe while still giving him freedom. Whether that’s a watch or a kids’ phone without internet, I’m not sure. What I do know? Letting go in parenthood is never easy.
