About a month ago, my husband took off for the weekend to celebrate his best friend’s birthday without me. He didn’t expect me to accompany him, nor was I sad at the thought of not joining him.
In fact, I’d already made my own weekend plans, including dinner with a friend that my husband hasn’t even met.
Even though we’ve been together for eight years and married for five, I can count the number of times I’ve met most of his friends on my hand.
Although many couples merge friend groups, we’ve mostly kept ours separate. It’s not that we don’t like each other’s friends — we do, and we occasionally go on couple dates or have group hangs.
However, our backgrounds and personal preferences have fostered a dynamic that encourages us to spend our time with companions on our own.
It’s been this way from the start, and we have no desire to change it.
Starting out long-distance set the precedent for separate friend groups
Maria Polansky
My husband and I were friends before we started dating, but we didn’t come from the same social circles, so there was a natural distance between us from the very beginning. On top of that, we weren’t even from the same country.
We met while he was traveling through Canada, where I reside, but he had to return to the United Kingdom when his visa expired, which happened to be right around the time our romantic relationship began.
Then, after almost a year of long-distance, I moved over to the UK, where our dynamics still didn’t shift much.
My husband’s closest friends lived in different parts of the country, which meant he’d often travel to meet up with them. Partners typically didn’t come on these lads’ trips, so I’d only see his friends in passing.
I started making my own connections in the UK, because as someone who moved to a new country for love, I found it important to form my own identity and interests outside my husband, and I thought it would put a lot of pressure on him to fulfill all my social needs.
Plus, I’ve always been someone who prefers spending time one-on-one to group hangouts. As nice as it is to be surrounded by many friends and loved ones, I find it’s easier to have deep conversations with just one person.
Spending time apart means we’re free to pursue our own passions
Maria Polansky
After five years in the UK, my husband and I moved back to Canada in 2023. We started over in many ways, but how we navigate our friendships didn’t change.
Most of his closest acquaintances are still in the UK, except for one person he met while traveling through Canada. My buddies are also scattered across different cities, but even the ones I’ve made locally are primarily my friends rather than our friends.
As much as we enjoy each other’s company and our respective friendships, we often prefer different activities.
My husband is a big sports guy, whereas I would rather hang out at the beach or check out cute cafés. Spending time apart allows us both to fully pursue our hobbies and interests without either of us feeling bored.
After almost a decade together, I’ve never felt that we’ve run out of things to talk about because of these separate experiences.
If marriage has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need to spend every moment together to be happy or feel loved. I love having time just for me, whether it’s personal self-care or a night with my besties.
And by separating our social circles, I appreciate the quality time spent with both my husband and my friends more.
I’ve found there’s a lot of truth to the phrase “distance makes the heart grow fonder” — even if that distance is just an afternoon spent with a friend.
