“I’ve got news,” my 22-year-old son said as he sat across the dinner table from my husband and me on a warm summer night.
“I accepted a new job in Indiana, and I’ll be moving there in a month.”
I froze. I was surprised, not that he was moving out, but that he was leaving months earlier than I had expected.
It was my understanding that he would be living at home until closer to his wedding in November.
I was happy for him, of course. Aren’t these things what every parent wants for their child? A good job and a future with someone they love?
But beneath that happiness came a sadness I hadn’t anticipated. My son was ready to begin the next chapter of life, and I realized I was going to miss having him home — something I thought I had a few more months to prepare for.
Last year, after graduating from college, he moved back home
My adult son wanted to save money for his future — a future that would include his long-term girlfriend, who was attending graduate school a few hours away.
When they got engaged shortly thereafter, we were thrilled. They set their wedding date for this November. So I had assumed that he would live at home until sometime closer to the wedding, giving him more time to save money.
Instead, here he was announcing his departure.
I was going to miss having him around the house
In what seemed like mere minutes, we were packing up his things and helping him move into his new apartment. Along with the physical exhaustion of moving, I was surprised by the emotions that came with it. I felt almost numb.
But was I mourning? What was I actually going to miss? Not cooking for him, since I don’t particularly enjoy cooking, or the fact that he never unloaded the dishwasher or replaced the laundry detergent he used.
I was going to miss simply having him around — seeing him and talking to him when our work schedules allowed. I was going to miss his sense of humor and our shared love of ice cream and cats. I know my husband would miss having someone to hit golf balls with and living with another sports fan to talk about teams and trades.
There had been an initial readjustment to living with him at home last year, but since then, we had settled into a comfortable rhythm. We had our routines, little day-to-day interactions, and the simple pleasure of having him down the hall.
And now that would be gone.
I’ve felt this feeling of loss before
Although I didn’t recognize it at first, this feeling was familiar. I had felt it before, as a parent, in other moments when something wonderful was beginning, and something else was ending.
I felt it when I was pregnant with my second child. I was thrilled to have another baby, one I desperately wanted, but I hadn’t expected to grieve our life as a family of three. I loved that version of our family. It was good. And it would never be that way again.
Then I felt it again when I dropped my son off at college. I was excited for him, while I also grasped that what our family looked like at home would change. He would no longer be a part of our everyday life in the same way.
Now, here I was again. My son had gotten a good job, was marrying the girl of his dreams, and was starting a life of his own. And yet, I was sad to see the version of our family where he lived with us come to an end. Thinking this way, too, made me feel guilty, just like it had the times before.
As my husband and I drove home after helping him move, I came to terms with the fact that my son probably would not live with us again. That was startling to think about.
The sadness has lessened
My son and I have resumed texting funny memes and cat pictures, just like we did when he was in college. We discuss wedding preparations. I’m so pleased to hear that his new job is going well, and the wedding is almost here.
It’s been strange to feel both joy and sadness as our family changes. I still miss having my son down the hall, but I’m looking forward to the wedding and to what comes next.
I’m realizing that being happy for your child doesn’t mean you can’t miss what you had before.
