I don’t think of myself as an overprotective parent. I began letting my kids stay home alone for short stints when they were around 10. I let them wander our neighborhood alone starting when they were 11 or 12. I don’t heavily monitor their social lives or phone usage, nor do I check their grades constantly or make them give me access to their Google Classroom to monitor their schoolwork.
But I don’t do things the same way that my generation’s parents did things.
I’m Generation X, and in my generation, there were no “playdates.” Parents didn’t track your grades, and they definitely didn’t track your location. You’d be walking around the neighborhood alone at 6 or 7 years old, often for hours. Usually your parents had no idea where you were. The hope was that you’d come home sometime before dark.
I didn’t realize I was a helicopter parent
When my youngest son turned 13, he started going out with friends on his own. Sometimes he’d take a friend’s school bus home with them, and hang out for a few hours. Other times, he’d walk over to a friend’s house, and then walk around town.
I supported this — it reminded me of the freedom I experienced as a teenager and I know how important that was for my own development.
My son is super responsible, and doesn’t make social plans without letting me know. That’s why I didn’t think it would be such a big deal when I asked him to share his location with me on his phone.
Courtesy of the author
I didn’t think of tracking as an invasion of my son’s privacy. It just felt normal, the same way that I can see his grades as they come in on the school portal if I choose to. Or the way that I ask my son to text me about his social plans as they unfold, rather than just sending him out and expecting him to come back by nightfall.
But my son was adamant about me not tracking his location. My first reaction was, “I’m giving you freedom to do whatever you want, so I should be able to see where you are!” But as he made his case to me — that he is responsible and will update me, but doesn’t like the idea of me tracking his every movement — I totally saw his point.
It’s one thing to tell your parents what you’re doing, and when you’re coming home, but do parents really need to monitor every step a child takes?
I understand the idea of knowing a child’s location so that you might be able to find them if you don’t end up hearing from them. But honestly, if something awful were to happen, there’s no way to be sure they’d still have their phone on them, or that tracking them would be able to protect them in any significant way.
Plus, I saw my son’s point. I put my own teenage self in his position. If my parents had some way to track every move I made back in the day, I definitely would have felt resentful.
It made me reflect on modern parenting
After this happened, I realized that — without fully noticing it — I’d adopted so many overbearing aspects of modern parenting. I have a college student, and I see parents freaking out when they find out they can no longer monitor their kids’ grades, and that kids (not parents) have to email the financial aid and school housing departments to take care of school business.
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Our kids are eventually going to be grown-ups, and if we don’t begin to loosen our grips on them, I fear that they are going to go into adulthood completely ill-equipped to handle anything on their own.
I know this world is dangerous, and knowing where your child is located may make you feel more confident as you let them venture out into the world. But you also have to consider your child’s mental health and development and what it might mean for them to feel as though you are tracking every move they make.
Kids need to feel like their lives are their own and that the world is a place they can explore without constant scrutiny.
We came up with a compromise that worked for both of us
Despite all this, I realized that certain aspects of modern parenthood and things like GPS tracking technology can be helpful. So my son and I came up with a compromise. For the most part, I don’t ask him to share his location with me, but I expect him to keep me updated about his plans, and text me if he needs to be picked up or if any other issues emerge while he’s out.
But there are times when we end up using his phone’s tracking feature, such as when he shares the location of where he needs to be picked up or when he’s exploring an area that he’s less familiar with.
This balance has made sense for our family because it’s based on open communication, deep listening, and giving my son as much freedom as possible so that he can mature into a strong, resilient, and independent young adult.
