- I started an in-office job after working from home for years in Kenya.
- Now that I’m not around my son, he’s more attached to his nanny than me.
- It’s difficult, but I’m trying to look on the bright side.
When I first held my son, time stood still. Like most mothers, his birth gave me a precious jewel — my person. But I struggled to transition from the hospital and adapt to breastfeeding and sleepless nights. To make things worse, I had to face the reality of being a single mom in Kenya; this is not what I envisioned for myself. Yet, I chose to focus on what was before me: I was a mother now.
I didn’t rest much after leaving the hospital with my firstborn. The bills had to be paid, and there was little family or social support. So, I took to working from home, which I had been used to since the pandemic. Working from home has some challenges, but I enjoyed setting aside time to feed my son, check up on him, and enjoy some sun outside.
Yet, one issue with online work was financial instability. I did a bit of blog writing, some social media management, and then some content management. The contracts were brief and only helped to meet expenses.
I spent more time being a mother than earning. This was beneficial to my child as I was more hands-on. I kept up with his feeding, scheduled his sleep, washed him, monitored his play, and put him to sleep at night. He was growing healthy and happy, constantly gaining weight each month. I had a helper who would come to do the household chores, but I was present and more involved.
When my son turned 1 year old, I had to transition to the traditional 9-to-5 job. It was up to me to prepare for his future, so I needed a more stable cash flow. Plus, the one year I had spent away from my career affected my career goals — or at least that’s what I felt.
But this meant I had to return to the office, too. So, I brought in a stay-at-home nanny, one who would care for my child while I worked on making ends meet.
I worry my son is now growing too attached to his nanny
Going back to an in-office job in Nairobi has been strenuous. I have to wake up before my child and head to work. When he wakes, his new nanny soothes and feeds him; they then spend the whole day together. When I leave the office at 5 p.m., I have to face a bit of traffic, making my arrival home even later.
When I finally get home, I enter the door excitedly. “Hi baby, mummy missed you so much,” I usually say. “Mummy has to work so that she can take care of you and buy you nice things,” I add to justify my sudden disappearance from his life.
In the beginning, my kid smiled back and hugged me. But things are changing. Of course, there would be consequences. The deep, unbreakable parent-child bond that we had had been weakened.
One time, when I arrived home, he turned to his aunt, whom he calls Aunty, and said, “Aunty, mummy is back.” After that, he continued playing with his toys and sat beside her.
A few days ago, I had to send the nanny to a shop to buy something for the house. My son got anxious when he saw her head to the door. He started shouting, “Aunty! Aunty!” as he followed her. I called back, “Baby, come to mummy, come stay with mummy.” The nanny told him to come with her to stop his hysterics, so my son quickly grabbed his shoes and left me there.
That day, I was exhausted from work and the constant pressure to meet company goals. Suddenly, I was home alone, staring at the wall and wondering how my son could choose the nanny over me.
I’ve been left with the dreaded mom guilt. My son has decided to give all his material affection to his nanny. Going back to the 9-to-5 killed motherhood for me.
I’m trying to make the most of a difficult situation
I’ve made the most of my few hours or minutes with my son. For instance, during bedtime, I help him prepare for bed. Since we sleep in the same room, I take it as an opportunity to either sing for him or tell him some made-up story as I watch him sleep in my arms. During the weekends, it is just me and him. We either go out or stay indoors and spend time together. I usually allow the nanny to leave on Saturdays and return on Sunday evenings.
The fact that my son asks for his nanny means that she is doing something right. So, instead of seeing her as a threat, I embraced her as part of my small family. Even though I am paying her, I engage with her as well, and I go out of my way to show her my appreciation.
I’ve often contemplated returning to working from home, but there is no easy solution. Working from home also blurs the lines between work and life. For now, I let the days roll by while I try to juggle career and motherhood.
Still, I can’t help but think: I don’t want to lose my son to my career.
