Being in a long-distance relationship certainly has its challenges. One of the biggest is deciding where to live when you do decide to merge your lives.
The choice is often narrowed down to two options: your city or your partner’s. It’s something that my husband and I struggled with, until we realized we had another — and arguably better — option. Choosing a completely different and neutral third city.
We tried each other’s hometowns, but they didn’t work out
My husband and I met in 2018 in my hometown of Vancouver, Canada. He was traveling through the country on a soon-to-expire working holiday visa, which meant he had to go home to Birmingham, England, not long after we started dating. I decided to make the move the following year after dating long-distance for a bit so we could be together, and we got married in 2021.
I arrived in the UK with an open mind. I had always wanted to experience living abroad, and I was genuinely curious about where my husband was from. We agreed that this move would be a test, with no obligation to remain.
At first, I enjoyed the novelty of living abroad. There were a lot of things I liked about the UK, like the architecture, the bustling cities and quaint villages, the fashion and music scenes, and the new friends I’d made. Plus, it made financial sense for us since Birmingham was more affordable than Vancouver. But I started getting homesick after a few visits back to Canada. I missed Vancouver’s beaches, mountains, forests, diversity, and the more laidback lifestyle. It felt a world apart from post-industrial Birmingham’s pubs and canals, and the culture in the UK.
My husband could tell I was getting homesick, but we found ourselves at a standstill. He enjoyed his time in Vancouver, but not enough to move back. He had a very valid point: we’d likely be working so much that we’d barely get to enjoy all of Vancouver’s natural beauty, given its high cost of living, especially with post-pandemic inflation. I understood where he was coming from, but the longer I stayed in the UK, the more I missed Canada.
Then we went on a trip that changed everything.
Courtesy of Maria Polansky
Visiting a third city made us realize we had more options
On a visit home in 2022, we stayed with some of my family in Victoria. It was my husband’s first time in the city, and he fell in love with it. Like Vancouver, Victoria is a coastal city with easy access to nature, but its smaller size makes life less stressful and slightly more affordable. He enjoyed his time in Victoria so much that he suggested moving by the end of the trip.
Victoria was our perfect compromise. It’s culturally and geographically close enough to Vancouver that I’m happy, and the lower cost of living and slower pace of life feel more worthwhile to my husband. Now I get to enjoy the West Coast lifestyle that I love so much (and that he also appreciates), and we still feel like we’re on track toward our goals. There’s also a significant British population here in Victoria, which has helped him feel more at home, from being able to watch football games with his favorite UK foods to making friends at work.
Living in a third city has brought balance to our relationship
Choosing a third city hasn’t completely eradicated the sense of sacrifice and guilt that often comes with being in an international relationship. Sometimes I still feel bad that we’re so far away from my husband’s family, and it’s not as easy to visit as we’d like. I also know there are certain cultural elements that he’ll never quite get behind, as I felt the same in the UK.
Still, it’s made a big difference. I believe it’s a choice that has helped us avoid future resentment. Knowing how homesick I got during those last few years in the UK, I don’t think I would have wanted to stay there forever. And knowing how my husband feels about Vancouver, I also don’t think that would have been the best choice for us.
Moving to Victoria has created a more level playing field. We’ve both had to start from scratch, so we can empathize with each other more about re-establishing our jobs, social circles, and lives in general. But more importantly, we both love it here, and we’re excited about the future we can build in the city we both chose.
