This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Luana Ribeira, founder of Dauntless PR. It has been edited for length and clarity.
Little about my relationship with Al is traditional. For starters, Al was my former husband’s best friend. After my husband and I divorced, I moved to Portugal, where Al was living. I was planning on spending time with Al as a friend, but the second time we hung out, he called my ex to say, “There’s something here.” Luckily, my ex gave his blessing.
I started dating Al soon after, in 2017. In 2020, we moved to the UK, where I’m from. That’s when we decided to have separate bedrooms. We both were having trouble sleeping at the time, and enjoyed having our own space. We had a spare room, so Al started sleeping in there.
Eventually, we wanted even more space from each other. At the time, my two teenage daughters were living with us, and the house was loud. Al craved quiet, and that was fine with me — I wanted him to take care of himself. He converted an existing warehouse on our property into a bedsit (similar to a studio apartment). He slept there and used it when he needed quiet time to create art or watch TV.
We wanted different settings for our home
Last June, we moved back to Portugal, with our 4-year-old son, Celyn. By that point in our relationship, Al and I recognized that we live completely opposite lifestyles at home. I like creature comforts and wanted my dream lakeside home in Portugal. Al was interested in becoming even more self-sufficient, living off-grid if possible.
Al already owned about an acre of land in Portugal. He put a yurt on the land, and now lives there without running water and with only limited solar power. The one modern amenity I insisted on was wifi, so I can get a hold of him and Celyn.
I meanwhile rent a two-bedroom home with a pool. I can see a nearby lake from my windows. I’m still in a rural area, but nowhere near as rural as Al.
We follow a strict weekly schedule
We have a family schedule that might look familiar to separated parents, though Al and I are very much together. On Sunday nights, Al and Celyn go to the yurt. I work long days on Monday and Tuesday, and also have time to swim and make any appointments I need to.
On Wednesday morning, I pick Celyn up. That’s my favorite part of the week, seeing him run down the lane toward me. I have Celyn on my own until Friday night, when Al comes to spend the weekend with us. That family time always happens at my house, since it’s more comfortable.
Our weekends as a family are sacred to us. It’s also nice to have one-on-one time with our son and to have alone time built into the week.
This arrangement lets us be ourselves
Our homes are about 50 minutes apart right now. If something pops up with work, I can’t just send Celyn to his dad’s on a whim. Sometimes I feel like I’m driving all the time, so I’ll probably move closer to Al in the future.
Financially, there’s not a huge expense involved with having two homes. Al already owned his land. I’m the sole earner in our relationship, so I bought the yurt, and I finance projects on the land as they come up. Luckily, there are a few bills with an off-grid homestead.
I know this isn’t for everyone, but I’m glad that Al and I can do what’s right for us. We want to support each other, and don’t want to ask our partner to change who they are. Living apart gives us the space we need to be ourselves, while still being a family.
