My fifth and final kid is a senior in high school, which means it’s time for graduation, award nights, and most importantly, the college application process.
At a recent college night presentation, I met with a high school counselor. They gave all parents a startling message: You’re not in the driver’s seat during the application process. You’re not even in the passenger seat. You’re in the back seat.
I took the counselor’s advice and decided to step back, letting my teen take the lead as they apply to colleges. At times, this has been tough, but I keep reminding myself that this is their journey.
I’m not telling my teen what schools to apply to
The post-secondary counselor talked with my child about their academic profile, major, and what they were looking for in a college. They discussed that even though my child has the background to get into highly selective (and very expensive) schools, they want to be a high school teacher, so it’s not really necessary.
Talking about money with kids is never fun. College is the most fraught money conversation we’ve had with our kids.
It was helpful to have another trusted adult discuss my child’s preferences with them and help them figure out what matters most when selecting schools. Thankfully, I didn’t have to be the one who directed them away from prestigious schools.
I only stepped in to tell my kid how much I could afford on tuition.
I schedule times to focus on college applications together
Rather than continually nagging my kid about applications and to-do lists, I send out meeting invites to complete specific tasks, such as the FAFSA, campus visits, and scholarships.
During these scheduled times, we sit at the kitchen table while my kid does the work. I’m available if they need me to complete forms or determine a suitable time for a campus visit.
I then don’t bring up college unless they do outside these scheduled times. This is hard. I’m curious to know what they’re thinking and if everything is getting done. However, since we started scheduling times, my child is now proactively chatting instead of us having to ask.
My teen missed a deadline
The college application process teaches, sometimes the hard way, the importance of deadlines. Colleges have limits — a limited amount of scholarship money, a max on people admitted, a finite number of rooms in the best dorm — and waiting until or missing the deadline means you miss out.
Courtesy of Trisha Daab
My child lost out on presidential scholarships for one of their top schools because they were working to a deadline. The scholarship application process required a two-day in-person interview, and they discovered this the day before the application was due.
We couldn’t make the in-person interview time, so they were unable to apply. It was frustrating, but, it was a lesson learned.
When this presidential scholarship mishap happened, I realized how I could be helpful. I created a spreadsheet to compare schools and provide a quick view of deadlines for applications and scholarships.
I’m not going into the Common App or looking over my kids’ shoulders as they fill out applications. We review the spreadsheet during our college task meetings, and they get to work.
I then do my best not to look at it, ask them questions, or nag them the rest of the week.
I’m still celebrating the wins
I realized the best way I can stay involved is by celebrating my kids’ wins.
I take pictures on tours, read the brochures, and check out the acceptance packet swag. It’s an exciting time for both of us, and this helps me feel more involved.
Every scholarship, every acceptance, regardless of amount or whether they choose that school, is a win and a testament to all we’ve both done to get to that point.
