- I’m single and 35, and I know that I don’t want kids.
- Right now, I’m not looking for a long-term relationship, but I am dating for connections.
- I used to swipe left on men who wanted kids, but I’ve recently changed my filters.
I’m a single 35-year-old woman who doesn’t want to have kids. Among many of the uncertainties of life, knowing that I want to stay child-free has been both clarifying and freeing. I also don’t take for granted that I’m in a position to make that decision for myself. Yet I do enjoy romantic company and partnership.
The irony is that, at my age, it seems most people in the dating pool are actively prospecting for a spouse, and many of those people also want to have kids. When I was in my 20s, the connection between dating and mating seemed more distant, but most of the men I’ve met recently around my age are keen to get married and start a family sooner rather than later.
I’ve always thought I wanted a lifelong partner, but I became more protective of my freedom ever since I came out of a very involved relationship. It’s been over a year, and it still feels too soon for me to commit again, but I’m taking advantage of this time to be more flexible about whom I date.
At first, I avoided men who wanted kids
Dating in my 30s (and dating men in their 30s) has been a much more gratifying experience overall than dating in my 20s. It’s been more intentional and less erratic, but those qualities also make it trickier; as much as I know what I want and don’t want, other people have also honed in on their intentions and motivations.
After the topic of kids upended my last relationship, I was determined not to date men who wanted them. I mainly wanted to avoid being pursued only for my child-bearing potential and didn’t want to feel, again, like a means to an end.
On dating apps, I’d swipe left on people whose profile said outright they wanted to have kids, and right on those who said they were open to it, unsure, or didn’t want them. There’s a spectrum of desire versus indecision around the topic of starting a family, and I figured I should learn from the mistakes I made in my previous relationship, wherein I ignored when the other person expressed they wanted kids.
Then, I met someone I liked
However, soon after splitting from my ex, I met someone I really liked. It made me hopeful that I could feel that way about someone again. But on our second date, I learned they wanted kids. I was more disheartened than surprised, even though I wasn’t looking for a serious relationship yet.
The dating apps make it seemingly simple and straightforward to distinguish between intentions, but somehow, even this filter had failed me. His profile said “open to” rather than “want to,” which, to me, communicates a significant distinction.
Connection is the reason I date; it’s what I value most. Knowing how hard it is for me to meet people I like, I broke my own rule to see him again.
I decided to adjust my filters and date men who wanted or already had kids
I always knew what we had was temporary, but I was happy to get to know him for the time being. Had I known from the get-go that he wanted kids, I would’ve swiped left on him and never met him. The relationship showed me that if I want to experience the connections I seek, I shouldn’t filter out such a huge chunk of the population because they eventually want kids.
It was on me now to unlearn what had become so ingrained in my past experience, which was the notion that the other person’s desire to procreate was my duty to fulfill. As I met new folks out in the world, I had to remember that their inclination for kids didn’t implicate me in any way other than informing the likely shorter length of our relationship.
One of the most significant changes I made was widening the age range of men I’m willing to date. I can go out with people 10 years younger or 10 years older than me, which has enabled different types of connections. I’m also open to dating single parents — something I would’ve never considered before.
Being more flexible works for me, at least for now
I want to be mindful of everyone’s time, which is why I’m honest about my intentions and forthcoming about my plan not to have kids. Dating people who potentially want kids works for me now because I’m not yet looking for a long-term commitment, but I know others may be traveling at different speeds.
Once I’m ready to settle down again, I’ll have to readjust my approach to prioritize meeting and getting to know someone who also wants to be child-free — or who is already a parent and not looking for any more kids. But being flexible works for now. At this point in time, I only care about quality experiences without discriminating on the type, category, or length of any relationship.
