I Text the People in My Life Too Much and Too Quickly for Validation

A few months ago, I was in the afterglow of an incredible first date. She and I texted the next morning to set up a second date, and we were both looking forward to reconnecting in a week’s time.

The following day, I had the urge to text her an unnecessary yet innocuous joke from our date, expecting a quick response. After two days of silence, I received a lukewarm “Sorry, I thought I responded. Haha.”

Although her text didn’t need to be interpreted deeply, my restlessness in the hours awaiting her follow-up was eye-opening.

I realized I had a persistent issue with catastrophizing text exchanges, which signaled a larger issue I have with validation.

I have sabotaged several potential connections with texting

Whether it’s a dating interest, business opportunity, or a new friend, I always get excited to speed up the opportunity of a great connection. Because of this, I have always texted a tad too frequently and expect text responses to be direct, nuanced, and, most importantly, prompt.

I know I’m not the only one who gets antsy around important text conversations, but I often experience a doomsday anticipation while waiting for a text — or debating if I should send one.

While true with all connections, I noticed it particularly in my romantic life. In the early stages of dating, there have been more than a couple of instances where the first date went great and the second date has been solidified, yet in the silence between the first and second date, I feel the need to send an inside joke or check in. For some, this may appear clingy.

Six years ago, for example, I once had a girl tell me that she no longer wanted a second date because I consistently texted her during work. I’m sure many others, including friends, thought the same way.

I knew I had to make a change

The fallout from this most recent date spawned eureka moments. I realized I needed to control two major facets of texting: my impulse to text repeatedly and my anxiety when people don’t immediately text back. I’ve tried to remedy these through a few steps.

First, I had to address my need for approval and my desire to fill my time with the company of others. I’m now trying to be comfortable with my alone time and suppress the need to reach out to people.

Second, I shut off my phone and use “Do Not Disturb” so that I don’t instinctively peek at it, awaiting the red number on the Messages app to increase. This reduces my anxiety when someone doesn’t text back right away. I now only check responses when it’s convenient for me.

I also had to learn that someone’s slow response is not personal

I now try to remind myself that people’s texting cadence has nothing to do with me. There is a lot at play.

Some people respond to a text within the first hour, and others take their time. Everyone has different relationships with their phones. Similarly, they might have read it and forgotten to respond because they’re particularly busy that day.

There are also many unspoken rules when it comes to dating. Dates tend to keep you at a distance, especially in the beginning, because they don’t know you yet. I remind myself that it’s OK to give them that space.

I wish it hadn’t taken me my adult life to figure all of this out. But since I started texting less a few months ago, I’ve been able to focus inward rather than wait for others’ approval. I no longer want to jeopardize a new romantic connection or friend.