I Moved From NYC to the Midwest to Live With My Parents at 34

As I stood in my packed-up Brooklyn apartment, a rush of feelings overcame me. Shame. Embarrassment. Frustration. All the feelings I’d come to associate with moving in with my parents at the age of 34.

After living on my own post-college for more than a decade, I never thought I’d be back living with my parents while looking for work. And while I’m grateful for a place to land, I’m struggling with my independence.

And now, since moving back to my hometown of Ann Arbor, Michigan — a place I haven’t called home since I was 18 — at the beginning of June, I’ve been experiencing a whole new set of emotions as I navigate job hunting in this current market. All while feeling like I’m losing any semblance of self-sufficiency.

Moving back home was the best decision for me right now

I had called New York my home for two years. Before that, I’d lived in California for nearly a decade; moving back to the Midwest was not my first choice. Why would I want to give up my community, my hobbies, the endless things to see and do in the city, to go back to a small town while living under my parents’ roof?

But I’d been struggling to get freelance work or find a full-time job in the last few months, and living with my parents while subletting my room in New York for the summer would alleviate some financial stress. In doing so, though, I ended up trading one stress for another. While I didn’t have to worry about paying rent, I felt like I was regressing to the last time I’d been at home, not to mention that job hunting is already stressful enough.

The move came with unexpected changes

Moving home has come with a bit of an adjustment period. I went from choosing how to spend my time, where I go, and not having to let anyone know what I’m up to (beyond for my own safety), to now having to coordinate with two other people’s schedules if I want to borrow a car and answer well-meaning but persistent questions about my plans.

In my life in New York, I could plan my meals based on my schedule and grab groceries at my convenience. Now, I rely on whatever food is available in my parents’ refrigerator and eat whatever my mom cooks for dinner.

I also don’t have the luxury of controlling the environment that I’m working from. Noise-canceling headphones only work so well when your parents often have conversations from across the house, yell questions up the stairs to you, bang pots and pans around, and just generally interrupt your workflow. Case in point: I planned to write this article from home, but changed plans and relocated to a coffee shop simply because of the noise.

I’m finding silver linings to my situation

Of course, I’m grateful that I have a roof over my head and food to eat. I know many people don’t have the option of living with their parents if they lose their job.

But that doesn’t mean I’m not still struggling with my present reality.

In some ways, my current situation isn’t all that different from when I lived here as a teenager. The biggest difference is that I’ve had a taste of living life on my terms and making my own choices regarding schedule, transportation, food, and more. My definition of independence has shifted, and now, living here, it’s shifting again.

I’m trying to maintain the daily schedule and healthy habits I had when I was in New York. Things like working out in the morning, eating a healthy breakfast, and then sitting down to work until 5 p.m. or so have been helpful. I’m also trying to spend time outside the house when I can, either going for walks, to a park, working from a coffee shop, or hanging out with my older sister and her kids.

Thankfully, my friends back in New York have also stayed in touch, which has been a great reminder of the supportive community I have, even if they’re not a short walk or subway ride away.

And while I’m talking to my parents about things like my schedule, communication is still a work in progress, especially when it comes to my needs and boundaries.

Possibly because I’m reliant on them for so much — namely, food and shelter — it’s hard to feel like an independent adult who makes her own decisions. But, as we keep adjusting to this new way of living, I’m hoping I’ll be able to strike a balance of living my own life while being under their roof.