I never pictured myself as a single mom. As a little girl, I knew I wanted to be a mother more than anything, but I also knew I never wanted to bring a child into a situation similar to my own. Coming from a single-parent household and having had a traumatic childhood, it was more important to me than anything that I give my children a better start in life than my own.
So, I waited. I waited so long that I’d even started coming to terms with never becoming a mother. And when I had my daughter at 36, I’d never been happier in my life. But despite my best efforts, I became a single mother after leaving my partner when she was just six months old. Our relationship was unhealthy, and we do not co-parent together.
I’ll be the first to admit the circumstances weren’t easy. I’d planned to stay home and work as a freelance writer to supplement our income. That was no longer an option financially. I had new trauma to process and a relationship to mourn, with no time to do it. Like many other single moms, I didn’t exactly have an abundance of downtime. And, also like many parents in the US these days, I had no village nearby to help. I was staring down my worst fear: raising my daughter in a childhood that looked like mine.
But looking back nearly a year after becoming a single mother, I see it as the best thing that could have happened.
I can parent exactly how I want to
I often hear other moms vent about how their partners approach certain parenting situations completely differently from how they would. Maybe one parent leans more toward gentle parenting while the other prefers another style. Perhaps they have different timelines in mind for weaning, or different priorities.
As a single parent, I don’t have to worry about these conflicts. There are no unexpected fights because of how I respond at any moment, or how my co-parent does. I can simply respond to normal situations like tantrums (which my toddler just started having this month) without the added stress of managing my partner’s emotions, too. At the end of the day, I can simply do what I feel is best for my child without the added drama.
I don’t have to split myself between my child and a partner
There have been many nights where I’ve plopped on the couch after getting my toddler down for the night, exhausted both mentally and physically, with barely enough energy to wash my face, start the dishwasher, and make it to bed. One thought that always creeps in is, “How on Earth could I manage the needs of a relationship on top of all this?”
I’ve always loved love, relationships, and all that comes with those things. But even the best relationships require work. While having a partner to help with tasks like putting my toddler to bed and loading the dishwasher would be nice, I also like being able to do things my way, and the energy I expend doing those things is not more than the energy it takes to keep up a healthy relationship. Right now, as a new parent, I just don’t feel I have that energy.
While I always dreamed of a two-parent household for my family, I also find gratitude in the fact that I haven’t had to split myself between my child and my relationship — especially an unhealthy one. I haven’t had to struggle to muster more of myself to give because there’s no competition: I can simply give all of myself to my daughter.
I’ve been able to soak up every moment of my daughter’s childhood
Despite a rather rough year, I live in immense gratitude. I’ve spent nearly every moment with my daughter. I don’t mean just physically, either. I’ve been able to be mentally and emotionally present for every single moment, every single milestone, and every single stage of development.
How lucky am I that I’ve been able to soak up every moment of my child’s life so far? It may not have been the version of motherhood I imagined, but it’s one for which I am extremely grateful.
