I Lost 20 Pounds for the First Time in My Life but Couldn’t Enjoy It

I’ve recently lost 20 pounds due to an unexpected chronic illness and learned that the awareness of appropriate behavior seems to go out the door when it comes to commenting on someone’s weight.

Girlfriends, acquaintances, and even family members have all basically said something along the lines of: “Sucks you’re sick, but at least you’ve lost a lot of weight, you look great.”

For me, though, going down a size hasn’t been great; it’s been quite frightening.

I grew up with the wrong kind of support for weight loss

I’ve always been an average-size girl, but I wasn’t satisfied with that.

Growing up, I tried fad diets and workouts to try to reach that “goal” number on the scales.

It didn’t help that I grew up in a strict culture where my parents and elders criticized my weight and looks.

My mother also struggled with body image and unhealthy dieting habits. Whenever I was feeling overwhelmed by my size, she would try to encourage me to go on a diet with her. It was her way of supporting me — dieting together.

I realize now she could have handled it differently.

When I got sick

I was diagnosed with SMA Syndrome in the summer of 2024, which led to a few surgeries to remove my gallbladder and reroute my small intestine.

As a result, I was unable to eat a full meal without digestive issues for three months. Plus, I had to cut out fat completely, since my body could no longer digest it.

During this time, I lost 20 pounds. I lost them for the first time in my life, quickly and without effort.

Although I fit into my clothes better, I couldn’t enjoy it knowing that I had accomplished this goal weight by being unhealthy.

When I look back at pictures of myself during this time, I don’t see someone who looks “great.” I see someone who wasn’t able to keep down even two meals a day and felt constantly weak.

I was miserable and lost the active lifestyle I was used to before these surgeries.

Weight loss warped my sense of self-worth

I started getting more attention from men. However, it skewed my new vision of how I saw myself. I started believing that better things come to you if you’re skinny.

I became terrified of gaining weight and going back to my average self. Because I was skinny, I was above average. I was noticed.

I even tried GLP-1 pills, the compounded version of the popular semaglutide, to keep the weight down when I was finally able to eat semi-normally, again. I quit the pills after a month, though.

When I look back at this time, I think about the reactions from others. Instead of telling me I looked great, I would have preferred them to tell me I would look great at any size.

Of course, it wasn’t out of malice. They thought they were adding to my confidence. However, in reality, they were actually taking away from it.

In a way, I’m thankful because I’ve learned and grown from this experience. I no longer attach my value to my size. I am grateful for my body and its resilience, at any size.