When my older son, Michael, was about 3, my husband and I took him and his baby brother to the Bronx Zoo. It was our first trip there as a family of four, and we were excited.
We hadn’t been there more than 15 minutes when Michael spilled some juice on his shorts. Michael is autistic, and at that age, the sensation of wet clothing could be completely overwhelming for him. He began to have a meltdown.
My husband stayed outside with our baby while I scooped Michael up and rushed him into the nearest women’s bathroom.
I was trying to help my son while worrying about everyone watching us
By the time we got inside, Michael was screaming and crying. I took off his shorts and held them under the hand dryer while trying to calm him. I was panicked and embarrassed, doing my best.
Several women were in the bathroom, including one who made her disapproval very clear. Eventually, she walked outside, and I heard her complain loudly about the “screaming, crying kid” in the bathroom and say that I needed to take him somewhere else.
Then I heard my husband. “That’s our son. He’s autistic and is having a difficult time right now.”
Another woman immediately jumped to our defense, asking the woman why she couldn’t show some empathy instead of being so rude. Now an argument was happening outside the bathroom while I was still desperately trying to dry a tiny pair of shorts. I was mortified.
Eventually, Michael calmed down, and we went back into the zoo. But I didn’t calm down. For much of the day, I felt ashamed. I worried about running into that woman again. Somehow, I’d convinced myself I’d failed Michael and all the strangers who’d had to witness his distress. I also kept thinking: If she could see how much I was struggling, why didn’t she just ask if I needed help instead of being so judgmental?
I stopped trying to make other people comfortable
Over the years, I’ve met many parents of children with disabilities who have their own versions of that story. I’ve also had other difficult moments with Michael at Target, Disney World, at airport security, and plenty of other places. What changed was how I responded.
Courtesy of Jennifer Jay Palumbo.
Instead of panicking about someone’s stare, I began simply saying, “My son is autistic and just needs a moment.” I do this with Michael’s permission. We’ve always been open about his autism, and I’ve found that honesty is usually met with compassion.
Eventually, I realized I didn’t always need to explain. Michael might use an iPad in a situation where another child wouldn’t. He might wear noise-canceling headphones. He sometimes scripts conversations. None of those things require an apology.
My job isn’t to make my son appear “normal” enough that strangers approve of my parenting.
Experience taught me to trust myself as his mother
Michael is 14 now, and we’ve developed strategies together. We use breathing exercises and counting. When he’s overwhelmed, I might ask him to rate how he’s feeling on a scale of 1 to 10 so I can better understand what he needs. I’ve learned more about him and learned to trust myself.
I wish people were always compassionate when they saw a parent or child struggling in public. They aren’t. But I no longer walk through the rest of my day carrying a stranger’s judgment. In those moments, my concern is Michael: helping him feel safe, supported, and understood.
I wish the mother I was in that Bronx Zoo bathroom had known that was enough.
