When my youngest child was 6, a new neighbor and her daughter came over to play. The mom enthusiastically offered to “return the favor” by hosting my daughter at her home for a sleepover. I knew this child had multiple older siblings, some of whom spent weeks going back and forth between their divorced parents’ homes.
When the pair left, my daughter looked at me and exclaimed excitedly that she was going to attend her first sleepover, just like she’d seen on some of her favorite shows and read about in some graphic novels.
I felt a tinge of hesitation before letting her down gently. My heart was screaming, “Absolutely not!” However, my words were empathetic:”That sounds like so much fun.” I followed with, “We don’t allow sleepovers.”
Years later, I still have the same stance for my daughter, who is now 9 years old, and her older siblings.
I’m holding strong to this rule
Over the years, my kids have been invited to a handful of sleepovers, and every time, we have declined the invitations.
Some of my kids have protested, frustrated by our rule, claiming we are too strict. They say nothing bad will happen and that it’ll be fine for them to be away for one night. Other kids in our family have sighed with relief, not enjoying being away from home and the comfort of their own beds.
courtesy of Rachel Galringhouse.
I follow multiple psychologists, pediatricians, and therapists on social media, and the consensus I’ve observed among many of them is that sleepovers are far too risky and that the potential cons outweigh the pros. I’ve learned that when a child is harmed in some way, it is almost always by someone they know, someone in their inner circle, not a stranger or mere acquaintance. If they’re in my house, under my roof, I know they are safe.
We are intentional with our reasoning
For me, sleepovers simply aren’t necessary. Our children have plenty of opportunities to hang out with their friends. They go to the movies and attend school events, such as Friday night football games. Of course, I know something bad can happen during the day, but there seems to be less risk for these gatherings when it’s not dark, unsupervised, and for a long stretch of time.
My two older teens have stayed with peers in a hotel room while traveling for sports competitions, with plenty of stipulations and supervision. They have also had a handful of stayovers with our most trusted family friends and have stayed overnight a few times at grandparents’ homes. These are special circumstances, though.
Our family also has the additional layer of being multiracial, and we are extremely cautious of allowing our Black children to be in spaces where they are the only person or two of color. We’re doing what we think is best for our family.
I’m being smart, not paranoid
Of course, we want our kids to develop the skills and confidence to sleep away from home. In our view, though, the best approach is to consider the specific situation, who they’ll be with, the child’s maturity, and the skills they’ve already built and practiced. Rather than treating a certain age as the automatic starting point — or giving in to pressure from other parents — we believe the decision should be based on whether the individual child is truly ready.
I know some parents feel that not allowing sleepovers is being paranoid and instilling unnecessary fear in children. I take a different approach. When experts in the medical and mental health fields openly share on social media that they don’t allow their own children to attend sleepovers, sharing harrowing statistics and admitting these only show reported cases of harm, to which we know there are likely many more cases, why would we? I don’t feel that’s at all paranoid. Rather, it’s about being informed and protective of my children’s childhoods.
I certainly don’t look down upon any other parent who makes a different choice. We’re all doing the best we can with our own perspectives, experiences, and education.
Do I feel my kids are missing out because they aren’t sleeping over in someone else’s bedroom, basement, or living room? No. There are many ways to have fun. For us, that can come with less risk and just as much reward.
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