When my best friend from college accidentally told me that she was paying $450 a head for her fancy wedding, I panicked.
Like many, I had been operating under the old-school “cover your plate” mentality when attending weddings, meaning the gift I gave should be enough to offset the cost of my meal.
However, I couldn’t even afford to give her half that amount as a wedding gift. I was in my mid-20s and barely earning enough to pay my bills.
That year alone, I had six other weddings to attend, all at five-star hotels or posh venues. Playing guessing games about how much my meal at those weddings cost and following this so-called rule could’ve easily put me into debt.
Now that I’m older — and have worked hundreds of weddings as a hired bridesmaid for strangers — I think giving gifts based on covering your plate is a really bad idea.
It’s a guessing game that can often leave you writing a check for more money than you’re comfortable with. Plus, there are other ways to figure out how much to give that don’t put you into debt.
Here are a few things I do instead:
Get to the registry first and hunt for coupons
As soon as the couple sends out a save-the-date, start browsing their wedding registry.
Julia Pham, a certified financial planner, recommends replacing the cash gift with an item the couple picked out.
“Get on their registry early for the best and widest selection of gift options,” she says. “It will be easier for you to find one that fits their budget.”
A trick I love is picking out a registry gift that’s above my price point, then looking for coupons and waiting for sales.
I once was able to snag a $350 coffee maker for $175 because I found it on sale. The couple didn’t know I got a discount — they got their gift and they were happy with it.
Go in on a gift with a group of people so it feels bigger and better
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If you want to give the couple an impressive gift but don’t have the budget, consider asking a few other wedding attendees to join in on a group gift.
For example, Pham suggested, pick a big-ticket item off the registry and pool your money with other people’s.
“Depending on how big your group is, you might even save money,” she said. “The couple will be happy to receive something out of range for one person to afford.”
Recently, I asked two other people to go in on concert tickets that the couple asked for on their honeymoon registry. We all contributed $75 and funded their concert experience.
It didn’t feel cheap because we helped the couple cross something off their honeymoon want list. Plus, I doubt they’re sitting around doing the math to figure out how much we all spent.
Set a gift budget for the year and divvy it up based on how many weddings you have — and don’t be afraid to send a ‘late’ gift
You can attempt to follow all the rules in the world, but when you have several weddings the span of a few months, it’s easy to go into debt trying to give gifts for all of them.
I’ve had years where I attended over 10 weddings and had to give some couples their gifts a few months late because I didn’t have any extra money. The standard rule is that you have until their first anniversary, so don’t sweat being late.
Or if you can plan ahead, set an overall wedding-gift budget for the season.
One year, when I had seven weddings to attend, I set aside money into a gift fund every week starting in January. I ended up saving around $1,000, which I divided up for all the weddings I attended.
Hunting for on-sale registry items, going in on group gifts, and ditching the pressure to give a gift “on time” helped me stick to that budget.
If you’re still stumped, consider basing your gift on closeness to the couple
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Trying to figure out the cost of your meal and cover it isn’t the only way to calculate how much money to gift newlyweds.
If you’re not sure what to spend, Lara Mahler, founder of The Privilege Is Mine, a wedding-planning company, recommends setting price ranges based on your relationship to the couple.
If you need a guide to follow, she suggests the following: $50 to $100 for acquaintances and coworkers, $100 to $150 for close friends or extended family, and $150 to $300 for immediate family or close friends.
As I’ve learned over the years, give what you can, when you can, and don’t worry about following any other rules.
