Family Became Closer After Moving Abroad, but Misses Relatives in US

I was lucky to grow up in Maryland, within 45 minutes of grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. This guaranteed near-monthly family birthday parties and plenty of ‘just because’ events to gather. After I married my husband, we moved to nearby Virginia and added two sons, now 10 and 6, to the family fun.

Four years ago, we announced that we would be accepting a three-and-a-half year assignment to Germany for my husband’s job. We received mixed reactions. Loved ones trusted our decision making, but were sad to see us go. I, too, was torn.

I wanted to be present for my kids

Of course, I worried about missing time with my extended family. But I knew that I would gain the opportunity to take a leave of absence from my job allowing me to be more present with my kids without a commute, office drama, or other paid job stresses. I knew I had a privileged childhood and was grateful for it; therefore I had always wanted to replicate that by not working a paid job when I became a mom someday. The overseas assignment finally gave me that luxury.

My mom worked part time during my school years. That flexibility allowed her to chaperone school field trips, volunteer in our classrooms, and just be there. All of my classmates knew her by name, and now my kids’ classmates say “Hi, S’ mom!” or “Hi, L’s mom!” anytime they see me. I can easily do fun things (like attend the fourth grade class party in the middle of the day) and less fun things (like responding quickly to summonses from the school nurse).

Our family has experienced amazing things

On a recent trip to Norway, my kindergartner colored in his blank comic book while my fourth grader, husband, and I tasted reindeer and whale. We debated which dishes we liked and which ones we would say “no thank you” to, also discussing after dinner plans and what activities to prioritize later in our trip. A week before Christmas, this was simultaneously cozy, ordinary, and memorable.

These are things that we might not experience in America, and I am grateful to expose my children to different cultures, people, and, values. During parent-teacher conferences a few months ago, my older son’s German teacher said he is so open-minded and a testament to us at home. What better compliment is there for a parent?

It’s hard to miss out on events back home

Despite enjoying such a moment of utter content that night in Norway, I felt guilty, as I have so often since moving. That guilt was more pronounced many times: when my grandmother’s health declined and I wasn’t there, when my second nephew was born, and when I missed myriad family functions (including said nephew’s first birthday party).

I treasure the current bubble with my immediate family. But I miss my extended family, who gave me the security and confidence to try new things, like travel the world. Friends have envied the close relationship between my mom and me, and when she probably needs me the most, I’m 4,000 miles away, trying to be the mom she was in my childhood. The irony isn’t lost on me.

I feel guilty that we’ve temporarily separated my immediate family from my extended family. My parents have been able to come visit a few times, but it’s not the same as being able to visit for a last minute weekend or celebrate birthdays and holidays together. When they visit, we do have a longer continuous stretch than in the U.S. (when we live a 1.5 hour drive apart). But it also means that when the inevitable “See you later” comes, we know the distance won’t be just a car ride.

My family has always been a safety net, and it’s hard having them a nine-hour plane ride away. Despite texted pictures, phone calls, and periodic video chats, my immediate family is not enmeshed with my extended family like I experienced in childhood.

The love and desire for connection remain. I know that when this overseas experience is over, my family will embrace us with open arms.