- I pushed my daughter to set her sites high and apply to a school that was out of her comfort zone.
- She was accepted to Tulane, but the financial aid package offered was smaller than we had expected.
- Telling her that she couldn’t go to the dream school that I pushed her to apply to broke my heart.
I sat anxiously across the table from my 17-year-old daughter, iPhone camera unsteadily in hand, leg shaking, ready to film as she opened the email on her laptop. At the time, I was just as nervous as she was, if not more. We spent more than three years working hard for this, with months spent essay-writing, and weeks of college visits all culminating in this moment. One quick click and then — just like the TikTok I’d seen videos — she jumped out of her chair and screams of excitement and happy dances ensued. She was accepted into Tulane University, her dream school. At the time, I had no idea that I would be the one to quash that dream just weeks later.
Setting her sights high
I’ve always believed in pushing my daughter past her comfort zone. So when it came time for college applications, I encouraged her to look beyond the familiar state schools that would keep her safely settled among her friend group and close to home, and instead consider places that would truly challenge and inspire her.
Tulane University, nestled in the vibrant heart of New Orleans, was my suggestion. Initially hesitant about leaving the familiar comforts of our East Coast life, my daughter was quickly captivated once she visited the school. The campus buzzed with energy, the city pulsed with music and life and the school’s rah-rah to academic rigor ratio seemed tailor-made for her. She came home donning a Tulane sweatshirt, excited about what the school had to offer, but still unsure about choosing a school so far away from friends and family. I reassured her that she would make new friends, and keep in touch with the old ones, and that the opportunity in front of her was priceless.
The acceptance letter felt like a victory for both of us. It was a testament to my daughter’s hard work and a vindication of my belief in her potential. Though more expensive than a state school, based on Tulane’s net price calculator on their website (an estimate of what we would pay based on our financials and any merit aid she may be eligible for), the tuition seemed within our budget. My daughter’s excitement was palpable as four years of adventure awaited her in the Big Easy. Sadly, the euphoria was short-lived.
In the end, it all comes down to money
The financial aid package arrived a few weeks later, and the reality of the situation set in. The cost of attendance, even with the aid offered, was astronomical — tens of thousands of dollars more than the calculator had assessed. It was a figure that simply wasn’t feasible for our family. I sat in my office and cried.
The conversation that followed was one of the hardest I’ve ever had. I had to tell my daughter, the girl whose dreams I had encouraged, that the school I pushed her to consider, and convinced her to apply to, was now off the table.
As the tears welled up in her eyes and the color drained from her face I felt a physical pang in my chest. “I would have been fine going to a state school, but you’re the one who put the idea in my head!” she cried. And she was right.
I was sure that the original estimate would be on par with the financial aid offer. But this new number meant taking on a crippling amount in student loans — I had only recently finished paying off my own student loans and it was a burden I didn’t want to saddle my daughter with. I explained the financial realities and the importance of starting her adult life without a mountain of debt.
I disappointed my child, but taught her an important lesson
It wasn’t just about the money, though. It was about the crushing realization that, as a parent, I couldn’t always provide everything my child wanted, even when she deserved it. I had pushed her to reach for the stars, and then pulled her right back down.
The weeks that followed were filled with a quiet (and sometimes not-so-quiet) sadness. Thankfully, she was accepted to SUNY Binghamton, a top-rated state school, and in between bouts of crying, door-slamming, and an obvious longing for what could have been, she began to make the best out of the situation. Rather than go straight to school, she took a gap year to study in Israel, something she may not have been able to do had she gone to Tulane.
As a parent, my job is to guide my daughter, to support her and to help her navigate the complexities of life. Sometimes, that means saying no, even when it breaks your heart.
