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This is simple. Go first class or business, and get someone else to pay for you. Take this advice and you will find flying is considerably less of a chore. Business class is more than adequate, but it would be rude to decline first class if the offer is there.
If you don’t have this option, or air miles squirrelled from your firm, then work towards getting it. Alternatively, earn so much that you can afford to pay for it yourself. Unfortunately, I cannot bring myself to do this. You know how it is, if I got a business-class seat for myself, then my wife would expect one too. Soon we’d have spent the price of a holiday.
On issues like this it is always worth inverting the cost to understand the true value of the upgrade. Ask yourself what you would say if someone offered you £5,000 to sit in a moderately uncomfortable chair for 10 hours. If that sounds like a good deal, then its economy for you pal. It does help that I am only 5ft 7in, so I also recommend being short. This is something you may need to work on.
There are other useful tips, such as sticking to cabin baggage and paying for extra legroom in economy. And steer clear of the bassinet seats unless you enjoy spending time with infants whose parents probably have qualms about doping them up with antihistamines. Oh, and it’s not happy hour at Wetherspoons. Stick to water.
Also, buy a fast-track security pass. Sometimes it is a waste of money, but at peak times it can save you several minutes of tutting and pfutting. The prices vary. Gatwick fast-track passes are much better value than Heathrow passes, though this is a false economy if your flight is, in fact, from Heathrow.
But the bigger truth here is that you can’t make air travel enjoyable. It is an innately wretched experience and one of the main reasons is that airports are awful. Even the airports that are nicely designed are grim for the simple reason that they are full of people who do not want to be there. This is far worse than the flight itself. However uncomfortable your journey, you can at least content yourself that you are en route (unless you flew Emirates because it was better value, in which case you are thousands of miles and several hours in an airport further away).
But airports? Heaving Petri dishes where those who aren’t in a hurry are milling around, stopping in front of those who are. Sure, you can hide away in an airport lounge, and I advise doing so, especially if you enjoy egg sandwiches and stale Danishes. Otherwise, you buy your lunch or sandwich, amble through the absurdly priced shops, try to figure out why there is always an oyster bar and then sit helplessly staring at the airline app, which insists the flight will leave on time in spite of all evidence to the contrary.
The airport experience is even worse, if, like me, you insist on being there early. For me, there is no multitasking on a flying day. No matter how late the flight, I cannot focus on anything else that day. Time spent waiting to go to the airport is time worrying about whether you are leaving enough time to get through security or beat the famous traffic en route.
Even so, I would far rather waste three hours at an airport than use the time gainfully at home or work, worrying about whether I will make it to the terminal on time. But that’s me.
Of course, the best thing is to be one of those people who are so chilled they can rock up to the airport 30 minutes before departure and saunter through to the gate without breaking a sweat, although it also means remaining chilled on the odd occasion when your saunter did not match the moment and you arrive in time to watch the flight taxiing away. (Obviously ignore this if you are flying Wizz Air, in which case you’ve got all the time you need.)
And even when you arrive, you have another airport to negotiate. There is not much you can do about queues at customs at the other end, aside from making sure you have all the appropriate visas. Some countries look kindly on families with small kids, but you can’t count on it, so it’s not worth hiring them for the occasion.
So how can you make air travel more enjoyable? Take a train, or maybe a boat.
Email Robert at magazineletters@ft.com
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