I’m not sure where I was or what I was doing the first time I heard the term “toxic masculinity,” but it seems to be everywhere these days.
Aside from a brief period in middle school, I never gave much thought to masculinity. I just knew there were men in my life that I wanted to emulate, and they represented a whole range of masculinity. Some didn’t know how to operate a hammer, while others could light a match off their pant leg.
As a father, I’m now confronted with my views of masculinity, especially as I raise two sons — ages 12 and 7.
After doing some research, I learned there are three main beliefs of toxic masculinity: men should be strong, men should not be emotional, and men should be in power.
While I certainly don’t subscribe to these beliefs, I’m trying to model good behavior for my sons so that they don’t prioritize toxic values.
Belief 1: Men have to be physically strong and tough
On the surface, my sons are physically strong. The oldest can lift a garbage can full of raked leaves across a yard. The youngest breaks boards in taekwondo with his forehead.
Instead of just celebrating those physical strengths, I’m trying to teach my children that perseverance is more important. I’m trying to show them that toughness can be better expressed through finding the will and the ability to keep moving forward in difficult situations.
For example, recently, when I lost my job, I told them that while I was disappointed, I was confident I could survive this difficult time. I modeled toughness without expressing anger and frustration about the situation.
Belief 2: Men should not express emotions
Both boys display their emotions like stage actors trying to be heard in the nosebleed. Joy, frustration, excitement, and despair are displayed like Jim Carrey on an espresso binge.
While emotions can be overwhelming for a parent, my partner and I allow the boys to experience those emotions without shame. We give our boys the safest space available for their emotions. When they express uncertainty about how to react to something, we provide the emotional space so they can figure it out for themselves.
Because we allow them that safe emotional space, my wife and I sometimes forget their ages and expect them to function as older versions of themselves. After a particularly difficult time of high emotions, we, as the parents, have to step back and go, “Oh, yeah, he’s only 7.”
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Belief 3: Men need to be in power
This one worries me the most. I’ve been around powerful and influential men all my professional life, and I know how awful some of them could be. I don’t want my sons to grow up to be anything like them, craving power and domination.
To ensure that doesn’t happen, I’m starting with equality at home. Instead of relying on their mother to do household chores, I do various domestic duties like laundry and yard work — without complaint.
I don’t expect my sons to start loving housework, but they must understand how hard it can be to keep a home habitable. They’re catching on. My oldest can make a hot lunch, scrub toilets, and empty cat boxes while the youngest sweeps floors, vacuums vehicles, and occasionally dices vegetables for dinner.
Beyond that, I try to point to their mother’s achievements; she’s a successful grade school teacher. I also highlight their grandmother, a retired surgical nurse with a history of fighting gender discrimination.
I know I could be doing more, especially since they will be exposed to toxic masculinity across social media. I’m still unsure how to address every aspect of that challenge, but I’ve got a road map in place.
