Modern parenting advice seems to be to limit how much you praise your child. I disagree.
Nothing really prepares you for parenting a 2-year-old. Toddlers are known for their developing independence and language, as well as their strong emotions. I should know, I have one living with me.
These rapid developments can lead children to push boundaries and have tantrums. For our family, this led to our struggle with managing our son’s behavior. One way we improved our son’s behavior was through a technique called behavior-specific praise, which is explicitly praising the positive behaviors you see. Sure, it can be hard at times, but it’s paying off.
Praise is important
As an associate professor of literacy, I spend my days researching the link between self-regulation, executive function, and academic achievement.
In my own home, I discovered that the type of praise we give needs to be more than just saying, “Good job!” It’s saying, “I loved the way you cleaned up after playing. Look at how clear the floor is!”
This approach is something I came across while searching for evidence-based strategies that could help with the issues we were having at home. I knew praise was important, but I needed more guidance on how to use it effectively in my house.
Dr. Alan Kazdin, a child psychologist who used to lead the Yale Parenting Center, believes that delivering praise with lots of excitement and physical touch, such as a hug or high five, can also amplify its impact. For our family, it has really helped. But even without that physical touch, behavior-specific praise has shown promise.
For example, in school settings, behavior-specific praise is an evidence-based strategy supported by extensive research. When teachers, like I used to be, increase this type of praise, we see an increase in students’ on-task behaviors. This strategy is now embedded in many different types of parenting programs because of its effectiveness.
While this technique has worked with my young child, it has been shown to work across age ranges. This is because this type of praise builds on children’s motivation. They love being noticed for doing something “right”, and they want to keep doing that behavior. Children start to feel proud of themselves as they continue to meet these goals, and soon, they will be doing behaviors on their own without any praise. That will build their self-regulation, so in the future, when they are off task, they can self-regulate and get back on task.
Putting the plan into action
One thing that has helped tremendously in implementing this technique in our parenting is that my wife and I focus on one behavior at a time to maximize our efforts.
The first time we implemented behavior-specific praise was to stop our then 2-year-old from jumping on our bed. Almost nightly before bedtime, our son would somehow end up in our room, jumping on our bed. While it was cute at first, it became a bigger issue when he would refuse to go back to his room. Eventually, we would have to pick him up and take him to his room, which would lead to tantrums right before bed.
Once we figured out that behavior was what we wanted to stop, we needed to explain, again, our desire for him not to jump on the bed. After reaffirming the rule to him, we would praise him when he got off the bed when we asked. This praise looked like, “I loved how you stopped jumping on the bed when we asked.” When he came into the room and didn’t jump on the bed, we would also praise him. The praise would be said in a happy voice, and one of us would give him a big hug and take him to his room. It took some time, but now, as a 3-year-old, this is no longer an issue at all.
Another area of our lives that has improved dramatically is taking medicine, which has historically been a struggle for us. When our 3-year-old is sick and has medicine, we pour it into a drink of his choosing and praise him every time he takes a big sip. When he finishes the drink, we do such an over-the-top praise. We hoist him up and cheer. He absolutely loves it. It has also reduced the stress we have around thinking about how we are going to give him medicine twice a day for ten days. He is so proud of himself each time he finishes his medicine and loves to show it off to us.
We’ve had some challenges
Of course, this one strategy doesn’t work all the time. It’s natural and healthy for a 3-year-old not to listen to what we want him to do. That’s par for the course for these three-nagers. But what is nice is that when we determine there is a key behavior we need to change, we strategically implement this praise strategy into our day-to-day lives. So far we’ve used it to help with mealtimes, car rides, and grocery store trips.
I wish we had known about his strategy earlier in our parenting journey, because things might have been easier for us. Lucky for us, our youngest just entered toddlerhood. Parenting is hard, and having the right tools in your toolbox is so critical. These tools make everyone’s lives easier, and we just have to figure out which ones to use and when.
Praise is such a part of our parenting style that our son now models praise toward us. Just the other night at dinner, my wife said she was done with her meal, and he replied, “Good job, mama, on finishing your dinner.” That gave us so much joy.
