When my mom died a little over a year ago, it was sad, but also expected. She had been diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s disease several years earlier.
What surprised me, though, was my husband and I deciding to divorce just two months after her death.
I had prepared myself to lose my mom, but not my marriage. Its sudden ending left me reeling. On top of my grief, I worried about how I’d manage my household alone as a single mom to my 10-year-old daughter.
Turns out, my stepdad was also at a crossroads.
My stepdad and I were both struggling, so I came up with an idea
Devon Pass
My 76-year-old stepdad, Don, dedicated his life to making my mom happy.
When they met in 2004, she had just bought a modest house of her own. He helped her fix it up, remodeling the bathroom and building raised beds in the backyard to plant the garden of her dreams.
Throughout my mom’s illness, Don’s devotion never wavered. He cared for her in their home until stress and exhaustion threatened his own health.
When we moved my mom into a memory-care facility, Don always made sure she had a fresh bouquet of flowers in her room. If she couldn’t enjoy her beloved garden at home, he would bring a bit of it to her.
Both Don and I struggled immensely in the months after my mom’s death. When my husband moved out and we began sharing custody of our daughter, I was terribly lonely during my weeks without her.
At the same time, I worried about my stepdad being isolated in his grief. I called frequently to make sure he was OK.
“Everything reminds me of your mom,” Don told me. He felt like he was living with a ghost. For the first time, he let weeds overtake the garden beds.
Late one night, an idea struck: What if I invited my stepdad to move in with me?
He could help me with the home maintenance that my husband had always done. I could cook for Don and drive him to his doctor’s appointments. We could both keep each other company.
Don was hesitant to accept the invitation at first. After I repeatedly assured him he wouldn’t disrupt my life, he agreed. Eight months after her death, he sold my mom’s home.
Even with some growing pains, living together has been wonderful
Don moved into a spare bedroom and paid me rent, which alleviated my financial worries.
Just like he did with my mom’s home two decades ago, Don jumped right into helping with my house. He busied himself with hosing down my patio furniture and clearing yard debris with a leaf blower.
On what would have been my mom’s 68th birthday, we went to a garden store together and bought flowering hostas in her honor. Don tucked colorful petunias into pots and installed hanging baskets of calibrachoa on the back porch.
For the past few years, I’d been too depressed over my mother’s illness and my strained marriage to plant anything. Suddenly, there were flowers again.
That’s not to say everything was immediately perfect. It took a while for my stepdad to feel at home; he constantly worried he was in my way.
But I learned Don thrived with a to-do list. When I asked him to trim the landscaping and change burned-out lightbulbs, it gave him a sense of ownership and belonging.
I’ve never seen him more triumphant than when I found him on my roof, having just repaired some damaged window screens.
As helpful as he’s been around the house, I’ve also encouraged my stepdad to visit the local senior center to get involved with activities and make friends.
He’s fought me on it, preferring to watch TV after completing his day’s work. (Sometimes we jockey for control of the remote — he likes to binge-watch episodes of “Antiques Roadshow,” whereas I prefer to catch up on “The Kardashians.”)
Don feels his purpose is now to take care of my daughter and me, but I hope he’ll venture out and build meaningful connections apart from us, too.
It hasn’t all been roses, but there are plenty of benefits
Devon Pass
Despite the tougher moments, the benefits of this arrangement have been undeniable.
My dog, Wally, is thrilled to have my stepdad as his primary walker and near-constant companion. And since I leave early for work, Don helps my daughter get to school on time.
He has a front-row seat to watch her grow up — an opportunity my mother would have been thrilled to have if she could.
On the weeks my daughter is with her dad, it’s especially wonderful to have my stepdad as a companion. I’ve enjoyed making his favorite meal — chicken soup from scratch — and watching TV shows with him. We had fun on a jazz walk and took each other out to dinner on our birthdays.
Best of all, we talk about my mom every day. When we recount our favorite memories of her, it feels like she’s with us.
Now, seven months in, my stepdad and I are still new to navigating life without our spouses. We’ve hit our stride as roommates, though, and plan to continue living together for the foreseeable future. I know we’ll continue to help each other heal.
