This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Esther Wojcicki, creator of the Parenting TRICK app. It has been edited for length and clarity.
When I was 10 years old, my brother died. He was only 18 months, and had swallowed too many aspirin while playing with a bottle. When my mother called the doctor, he told her to put my brother to bed; he didn’t wake up.
I never wanted a tragedy like that to happen to anyone else. My mother had been afraid to question the doctor’s advice. He was an important person, and she was just a little immigrant. After that, I vowed never to be afraid to ask questions.
Courtesy of Esther Wojcicki
Decades later, that became the cornerstone of my parenting. Above all, I wanted my three daughters to be independent thinkers. I taught them to rely on themselves and never be afraid of failure.
My main philosophy was that if you don’t do it right the first time, that’s OK — just try again.
‘Fail fast and revise’ was part of our family culture
My daughters are successful by any measure. They went to Stanford, Harvard, and Yale for their undergraduate degrees. My daughter Susan, who died last year from cancer, was the CEO of YouTube from 2014 to 2023. Her sister, Anne, co-founded 23andMe, where she served as CEO until this year. My daughter Janet is a researcher at the University of California, San Francisco (UCSF).
When the girls were growing up, I taught them to “fail fast and revise.” It was the same approach I took as a teacher in Palo Alto: telling kids that it didn’t matter if they didn’t get something right the first time. They can always do it again. Over time, “fail fast and revise” became a sort of mantra for Silicon Valley startups.
The TRICK to parenting well
Later, I summed up my approach to parenting with the acronym TRICK. It stands for trust, respect, independence, collaboration, and kindness. Those are the tenets of great parenting.
When a parent trusts their child to do something — even as simple as making dessert — it empowers the kid. They feel better about themselves. They figure they’re capable, because they’ve been trusted with a task.
Respect goes both ways. Really listen to what the child has to say. Of course, you won’t always do what they want as a parent, but at least talk a decision over with them.
Independence is something our kids need as much as possible. How can we expect to raise independent adults if we’re always doing everything for them?
Collaboration is much better than dictating to children. When we collaborate with them, they have autonomy, and we’re showing them trust. I saw firsthand in my classrooms that when students came up with the class rules, they were much more likely to follow them.
Lastly, kindness. People might forget what you did, but they’ll never forget how you made them feel.
Kids will make mistakes — and so will parents
My girls started making their own breakfast when they were toddlers. They would pull out the cereal and milk, which I kept in a small jug low in the fridge for them to reach. A mess would be all over the floor, but they loved making their own bowls, and I liked that I could sleep in a bit.
When they were older, they made their own sandwiches. You wouldn’t believe how awful those sandwiches looked, but they were happy that they made their own lunches. They rode their bikes to swim practice alone and set up their own playdates. They were do-it-yourselfers.
It’s very different in today’s world; I see that with my 10 grandchildren. We live in a culture of fear, worrying about kids getting kidnapped or another parent calling the police on us if we let our kids walk to school. Yet it’s still so important to give our kids independence and space to make mistakes.
We need the same as parents. You can’t come up with a creative solution if you’re always worried about whether you’re doing it right.
