- I have four kids ranging from 11 to 19 years old.
- I’ve always wanted a big family but financial stability came before having more kids.
- Teens are equally expensive as having babies, with cellphones and braces instead of daycare bills.
I always wanted a big family. When I was 5, I stood looking into the bathroom mirror as I did my best to push my stomach out. “Look, I’m having a baby,” I told the grandmother who raised me. “One day,” she said. “I’m going to have five babies,” I said, stomach still pushed out.
I came from a large family. My grandmother was one of five children. Her mother lived 10 minutes away in the apartment below her youngest sister. My aunt lived next door. A cousin moved a street away. On my grandfather’s side, he was one of four. My foster mother had three children and when my brother and I were with them, it became five.
My earliest years were spent surrounded by family. Cousins, aunts, uncles, brothers and sisters became the people I looked to for comfort and joy as I grew up. I suppose it wasn’t a stretch to imagine that I too would want a big family.
We had 2 babies quickly
Flash forward to 2005. I had met a man I loved. He was one of six children. His mother was one of seven. My childhood dreams of starting that large family were coming true.
As I watched the second line show up on the pregnancy test, I knew my fantasy had begun. Zach was born just after Christmas and his sister, Cameran, joined us 20 months later. Of course, fantasy and reality don’t always match.
As time went on, we struggled as many young families do. With the money from our yearly tax return, we ditched the two-bedroom apartment our family of four had outgrown. We used the $7,000 to put a downpayment on a three-bedroom, two-bath dormer cape. The 1,300 square foot home had a finished basement and was set in a family-friendly neighborhood just a short walk to the primary school. The mortgage was reasonable, we both worked so we were sure we would be OK.
Having a 3rd child was put on hold because of money
Then, a recession hit. My boss asked me to shift to a part-time schedule at the small events management company where I worked. My husband began taking home less in his paycheck because the wholesale business where he worked, in sales, took a hit.
My dreams of having a third child were put on hold. Instead of giving up though, I waited. We waited until we had more money and financial stability.
Finally, as the world righted itself once more and the economy slowly bounced back, I had renewed hope. Finding a misplaced baby sock in the back of my daughter’s drawer seemed a sign that this was the right time to start trying for our third. We would welcome a girl on April 29th, 2011. It would be the same day as the Royal Wedding, which seemed to overshadow everything, though not for me. My big family was finally here.
The night before our daughter was born, we talked about this being our final child. There was a five-year age gap between our first two children and our third. I was 36 and of advanced maternal age. As I lay on the hospital the next day and heard the sound of my baby crying for the first time, I knew I could not have the tubal ligation I’d been scheduled for. “I’m just not ready,” I told the doctor.
The universe seemed to agree. Less than a year after my daughter was born, I had an anxiety attack. It was a strange feeling that somehow wouldn’t leave. My body also felt different. I was exhausted and forgetful. Sure it was just from being a mother of three and working full-time, I sloughed it off. “You could be pregnant,” a friend said when I told her about how I was feeling. “No, I had my period,” I said.
After a grueling session of hot yoga, I bought a pregnancy test and a bottle of wine. I was sure I’d be able to have a glass after my negative pregnancy test. Instead, the wine went to a friend. I was having our fourth child. Brooks was born just in time for my grandfather to meet him before he passed away. The gap between my first and my last was eight years.
Kids are expensive
The financial security I was sure would come from waiting between having children still has not come. Four children cost more even as they morph into teens. The daycare costs are traded for phones and braces. Having four kids is not financially advantageous, but I would not trade it for anything.
While it was not exactly as I planned it, it is an amazing and exciting journey that I feel lucky to be on, even if finances aren’t always perfect.
