Single Mom Hasn’t Kissed Anyone in 6 Years Since Her Divorce

This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Olivia Howell, 40, CEO of Fresh Starts Registry and mother of two. It has been edited for length and clarity.

I had my first boyfriend at 16 and stayed in relationships nonstop until six years ago.

I was heavy into dating apps, often seeing more than one person at once. In college, I had a serious boyfriend I thought I’d marry. Then, at 24, I met my husband on Match.com. We moved fast: he relocated from Connecticut to Long Island, where I still live, and we married two years later. Shortly after, we had our two sons.

Our marriage eventually dissolved. He moved out in August 2019, and he’s the last person I’ve kissed or slept with. I’m completely happy with that decision, despite the naysayers who assume it must be lonely.

But let me back up.

I had to recover from emotional abuse before I could think about dating again.

I didn’t realize I was in an emotionally abusive marriage until after it ended. My ex belittled my looks and used “coercive control,” a pattern of threats, intimidation, and humiliation to maintain power.

My nervous system was constantly on high alert. Only after my sister sent me TikToks about emotional abuse did I recognize the signs. I’d spent so long in survival mode that I stopped seeing myself as a beautiful or sexual person.

As CEO of Fresh Starts Registry, a divorce gift registry and support network I launched after our split, I’ve learned that leaving isn’t the end of healing. It’s when the real work begins.

Dating just doesn’t fit my life right now.

I have no interest in dating apps or Long Island’s bar scene. As a single mom running a business, the idea of hiring a babysitter and getting dressed up for a one-night stand or a high-drama relationship feels both exhausting and unnecessary. Also, I live with my parents, and I’m not about to bring someone to my childhood bedroom.

I’d rather hang out with my kids, read, or craft in my pajamas on a Saturday night. With sole custody, there’s little time without them anyway. A quiet night in is hard to beat.

My life used to revolve around men, and quitting dating has been liberating. Since I was a teen, I worried about how I looked and what men thought. Six years without physical intimacy has taken off that pressure and allowed me to heal in therapy and on my own.

I’ve dipped my toes back in once, reconnecting with someone from my past. It never went beyond flirty phone calls, but it reminded me that I’ll love again and that attraction still exists.

People assume I’m lonely, but I’m not.

Just because a man isn’t touching you doesn’t mean you’re untouched. I get massages regularly, a safe, gradual way to reconnect with my body after abuse.

I wouldn’t feel as confident and connected if it weren’t for my support system. Living at home with my family and having support from my siblings, parents, and amazing friends means always having someone to talk to, eat dinner with, and confide in.

Even my therapist once told me I should put on some lipstick and go out. I was like, “Umm, do you know me?” That’s not who I am. For now, I treat myself well. I buy plants and perfume my bed each evening. I know I’m worth it.

I know I’ll eventually find a loving partner and stepdad for my sons. I’ve had the privilege of being raised by an amazing stepdad myself, and that gives me hope.

I’m giving myself these six years, and as many more as I might need, to step back from the messy, complicated dating scene to look inward, reflect, and heal.

I refuse to show up as anything else than the full person I could be at the time of my life when I meet someone else, whether that’s tomorrow or in another six years.

Do you have a story about looking for love that you want to share? Get in touch with the editor: akarplus@businessinsider.com.