Last fall, my mother was diagnosed with cancer, and, seemingly minutes later, my father had some heart problems and ultimately suffered a stroke.
I knew I was inching toward simultaneously caring for my young kids and aging parents. Suddenly, I was squarely in the sandwich generation.
I now had to deal with the terrifying reality that my parents did not have a plan for how to spend their retirement years — especially where they plan to live.
My parents had no retirement plans once they sold their house
As an only child, I have been aware that I might need to be more invested in my parents’ retirement plans, but I wasn’t prepared to feel like their therapist, estate planner, realtor, and case manager all in one.
My father’s unfortunate reality was that he had to retire while in the hospital recovering from his stroke. Like many men, my father struggles to find his identity outside work.
While I was home with my parents during my father’s recovery and before my mother’s cancer treatment, I broached the subject of their retirement plan by asking them about the sale of their home. They had long lamented that they no longer wanted to maintain their home. However, I did not realize how little my parents had discussed what would happen beyond this sale.
Once my mother and father recovered, they moved forward and sold their home in Florida. Shortly after that, they stayed near my family in Texas, in a long-term Airbnb. I soon realized they had no intention of settling.
They have since stayed in 15 Airbnbs.
Their planless lifestyle has continued to create issues
My parents like stability. I know that they don’t like living out of suitcases. They often go to an Airbnb in a new city and immediately contact the host about shortening their stay or finding a different place because they don’t like the area they are in. Additionally, they would rather have a plan, a home to call their own, and a city to set up some roots.
That’s why their Airbnb living doesn’t make much sense to me. When I push them to find a long-term plan, I realize they aren’t even having the conversation with each other.
The lack of actual conversations only came to a head when my father landed in the hospital again while traveling. Ultimately, my father learned he would need extensive open-heart surgery. They ended up going to the Cleveland Clinic and staying at two different Cleveland Airbnbs during their six-week stay, which, while you are recovering from open-heart surgery, is not necessarily the best plan.
When aging is avoided, it creates more issues
Going through all of these experiences with my parents has made it clear that avoiding retirement conversations can be rooted in other issues, like not wanting to face our mortality or that we might disappoint other family members by making a clear decision for ourselves.
It’s not like my parents don’t have a will or aren’t organized, and I am certainly lucky that they have saved diligently for their retirement.
I do not feel fortunate, however, about their lack of a concrete plan. As their only child with children of my own, the uncertainty of their future adds a layer of stress for me. I often worry about their Airbnb accommodations, whether the roads nearby are well lit, and whether they have social support nearby.
I suspect their decision to wing it has been driven by a desire to sidestep the discomfort of planning for one’s golden years. By opting to stick with short-term rentals rather than anything more permanent, they avoid confronting their own individual desires —and the risk that they might not be in alignment.
While I am only in my 40s, I am already working on a retirement plan. I am well aware that my children will have things to worry about; that just comes with the territory of aging parents. But confronting the inevitability of aging and embracing a concrete plan for my retirement is a gift I am giving to my children.
Having honest conversations about making definitive plans is incredibly challenging, but it also has huge payoffs: a season of life rooted in desire and as much agency as this time can offer.
