I’m not sure if it’s mom guilt or my pride, but ever since I became a mother 14 years ago, I wanted to be my kids’ go-to mentor. If one of my daughters was sad, I wanted to be the one who held her until she calmed down.
If my child had a rough day at school, I wanted to be the person who bent down to meet her eyes and ask her about it. When one of my girls had a preteen tiff with friends, I wanted to be the one who offered guidance.
I’m their mother. I wanted it to be me — if not all of the time, at least most of the time.
Even though my kids have a wonderful father who is also there for them, as a mom of two daughters, I wanted to make sure that I was the woman who dried their tears, listened to their dilemmas, and offered sound advice.
I wasn’t wrong to feel this way; that’s my job, and being there for those moments showed my daughters how much I love them. I wanted them to know they can always count on my presence and support. Recently, though, I’ve learned that I don’t have to be the only woman on whom they rely for these things. Sometimes, another woman who loves them might even be a better choice.
Living with my mom and sister has shown me it’s OK to let them help out
Three months ago, we moved in with my mom and older sister while we renovate our home. We’re there every day — when my kids are in good moods and bad moods, when they don’t want to do homework, when they’re fighting with friends. I’ve done what I always do, offering my ear and my guidance.
But I’ve learned that it’s OK to allow others who love my kids to help out. My mother found my younger daughter lying on her bed, feeling sad, and she sat down beside her. She listened while she rubbed my daughter’s back and then, she shared advice. Other times, when my younger daughter was moody and resistant to homework or bedtime, my sister stepped in and found a way to convince her, making her laugh with a joke or slipping in some fun.
They’re doing the job I thought had to be only mine, and they’re doing it well.
This is even more true when I think about my older daughter, who is now a teenager. Sometimes, she just doesn’t want to talk to me simply because I’m her mother. She gets tired of hearing my input, but she will go to her aunt to discuss her troubles — she will even listen to her advice. Occasionally, she might also talk to her grandmother about something before she talks to me about it. And that’s OK, because at least I know she’s getting the guidance she needs.
I’ve accepted I’m not always their top choice
It’s not easy to accept; I still want to be her top choice. Occasionally, I still am, and I hope when we get through all this teenage angst, she’ll come to me even more often. But for now, I have to admit that these other women who love her are just the better option sometimes.
I have to remind myself how blessed I am that I have plenty of women around us who I trust to comfort my kids, listen to their troubles, and give them advice. At the end of the day, my job is to do what’s best for my children. If, now and then, that best thing is not me, so be it. None of this will change how much they love me. And no matter who they choose as a mentor, I know they’ll always know how very much I love them.
