In 1959, my grandma Barbara stood at the back of the church in her pillbox hat and silk wedding dress with a single thought flashing through her mind: Gee, do I really know him?
Barbara was a bona fide New Yorker — sharp-witted and straightforward — while my grandpa Richard was a polite, wholesome boy from upstate New York, 300 miles from the Big Apple. After meeting in November of 1957, they dated, broke up, then dated long-distance for a year— letters exchanged and weekend trips.
That September day in 1960, my grandma decided it was too late to back out, so she married him. Today, Barbara and Richard Coupe have been married for 65 years.
This September, my husband and I celebrated a measly, but hard-earned, 15 years of marriage, so I asked my grandparents for their best advice. A few things in particular stood out.
Friendships matter
It’s a common joke among my siblings that if you want to hang out with our grandparents, you’ll have to book them at least a month in advance. Their calendar is always full of social engagements, and I’m not sure anyone hosts more dinner parties than they do. But I am certain that their rich friendships have contributed to their quality of life.
As a couple, you should choose friends who have the same value system as you, my grandma told me recently. If you choose to hang out with people who don’t prioritize the same things, you’ll likely lose sight of what matters most to you.
My grandparents had six kids in eight years, and they chose friends who wanted to spend Saturday evenings playing board games instead of bar hopping. In their later years, they found social circles through ballroom dancing and their faith.
Courtesy of Kris Ann Valdez
Be OK doing your own things sometimes
“I enjoy a good fight every once in a while,” my grandma muses. “Nothing big, just little squabbles. But he wouldn’t fight with me, so the fights never amounted to much.”
However, while she says they didn’t have big fights, they did have disagreements.
My grandma shares how my grandpa used to attend a yearly, all-expenses-paid work trip. While he jet-setted, she was left at home in the dead of a Massachusetts winter with six children under 10. In her usual New Yorker bluntness, she told me she always felt punished for his good fortune.
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One year, the trip overlapped with a planned family vacation in New York City: their daughter’s first communion. My grandpa was accepting an award and needed to show face to the big boss, so he couldn’t back out.
My grandma packed the car with six kids, the youngest still a baby, plus the family dog, and made the five-and-a-half-hour trek to Long Island on her own. Despite the car breaking down, she was glad she went.
“We resolved our fight by deciding that you would do your thing, and I’ll do mine, and that’s OK,” she says.
Even in later years, when some couples cling to each other constantly, my grandparents practice a healthy dose of independence.
“If I want to go grocery shopping and go to the mall, and he wants to look at cars, we are content with that,” she shares.
Show each other respect in small, everyday ways
Over the years, they’ve learned that how you treat your spouse is how they’ll treat you. One way my grandparents show this is by expressing gratitude for one another.
“I tell Grandma every day that I am thankful for my precious wife. Believe it or not, when you say that enough times, you really believe that,” my grandpa says.
She thanks him every day for the little things he does around the house.
They are so in sync, and it’s not just the ballroom dancing. It’s years of respect and regard that have carried them through all of life’s hardships and joys, which have been aplenty.
Of course, one of the secrets to a 65-year-long relationship is that you both have to live that long. That’s no small feat. But regardless of what health and fortune you’re dealt, my grandparents’ advice is wisdom for any relationship.
