- I didn’t have the best relationship with my parents as a teenager, but now I have a great one.
- I wanted to do things differently with my teen and I’m giving her the relationship I wished I had.
- I listen to what she has to say and try to say yes as much as I can.
I have a great relationship with my parents now that I’m an adult. But as a teenager, I longed for a Lorilei and Rory, Gilmore Girls type of connection — particularly with my mom.
When I had my first daughter, I knew I wanted things to be different as she grew into a teenager. I’ve been purposeful about how I show up in our relationship to create the type of connection I had always hoped for when I was a teenager.
My approach is to say yes as much as I can and always listen to what she has to say.
I always listen to what she has to say
I strive to actively listen to whatever she wants to talk about, especially in the car. Recently, she was devastated that her boyfriend cut his hair into a mullet right before a school dance. While I know this is a short-lived issue that wouldn’t matter in days’ time, she was ridiculously upset. Even though his mullet matters 0% to me, listening to her — no matter the topic — builds our trust.
On many evenings, I find myself sitting on the end of her bed, talking for hours. Conversations that start with a funny reel on Instagram inevitably lead to more serious topics. We laugh and cry, talking about everything under the sun. I’ve learned that if I listen to her conversations where she’s talking about which of her friends is crushing on whom during the week, she trusts me when she has bigger questions about sex, relationships, and substance use — the stuff that actually counts.
I say yes as much as I can
My daughter and her friends are just starting to drive, but up until recently, they needed a chauffeur to get anywhere. I work from home and have a more flexible schedule than most parents. I have made it a goal to say, “Yes!” whenever I can. Everything from needing a ride to the movies to hosting a Halloween party, I say yes if it’s at all possible. This often means my car and home are full of several loud teenagers.
Many parents dread the idea of their teen drinking and driving or being in an unsafe situation. I’ve worked hard to build a relationship where my daughter and her friends know I am someone who will show up for them — no matter what.
This exact situation happened in the fall of 2024. My daughter and some friends were at a football game and didn’t feel safe driving home with their planned ride. I was already in bed with pajamas on and a mouthguard in when she called me to ask if I’d pick them up. I was relieved she called me instead of them driving home with someone who was making unsafe choices. I want to be someone my daughter can count on, even when it’s inconvenient.
I am honest when she asks hard questions
As a parent, I desperately want to protect my daughter from harm or pain. I would love to pretend I’ve never made bad or unsafe choices. When my daughter asks me questions, I tell her the cold, hard truth, even when embarrassed. This includes telling her about a time when I was a freshman in college and used my credit card to secretly fly to California to visit a guy I’d met once at a wedding.
Admitting to behavior I’m not proud of has helped me talk to my daughter about making better choices than I did and why I would choose differently if I could go back. This has led to some interesting conversations in the drive-thru at In-N-Out, on our way to Disneyland, and during dinner at our kitchen table. My daughter knows no topic is off the table—ever.
I surprise her with random acts of kindness
Being a teenager is hard. It’s easy to forget that as an adult because being a grown-up is really hard, too. I like to surprise my teenager with random acts of kindness to show her I care about her. Sometimes, I clean her bathroom or fold her laundry — chores she is normally expected to do herself to take something off her plate. I also occasionally show up at school during lunchtime with Chic-fil-A or come home with a $7 bougie coffee drink. Sometimes, I’ll even bring provisions for her friends, too.
What costs me $20 in coffee has benefitted me tenfold because now she does the same thing back to me. I regularly come home to find the dishes done or a little love note on my desk that says, “I love you, Mom.” This back-and-forth exchange of kindness allows us to lift each other up, especially when things feel hard.
People are often scared of having teenagers. The hormones, mood swings, and social drama can be intimidating. However, I have found having a teenager to be one of my favorite parenting stages. My goal is not to have the perfect teenager but simply to be the kind of parent I wished I could’ve had during one of the most difficult life stages.
