- Chris Gaffney became a stay-at-home dad when his wife, Jenny, had their first child in 2019.
- Jenny can support the family on her salary, but the decision was more based on parental involvement.
- So far, the arrangement has only improved their marriage, and Gaffney has also found a new community.
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Chris Gaffney, a 43-year-old stay-at-home dad in Wolcott, Connecticut. The following has been edited for length and clarity.
I attended Ithaca College in New York, where I majored in writing, concentrating on political rhetoric. My dream was to become a speech writer at the White House.
Then my mom got cancer, and she lived alone. I moved home to care for her, putting my ambition aside.
My mom always thought I would be a good lawyer, so I applied to law school, thinking she would die proud of me and I would never have to go. She lived another eight years, so I went through with it.
After becoming a lawyer, I met my now-wife, Jenny, in 2010
We were about to sign a lease together in Connecticut when the company she worked for was sold to a firm in Austin. We moved there in February 2011.
Not having practiced law in Texas, I worked at a content marketing firm. We returned to Connecticut at the end of 2013.
Along the way, I tried a few creative things, like stand-up comedy, Toastmasters, and an online humor column. Outside work, I did many things that gave me great personal satisfaction but did not earn any money.
My wife earned her MBA in 2017
Around this time, we also started to try to have kids. We began an ongoing conversation about what our family would look like.
When we moved back to Connecticut, I became the director of content marketing at a digital marketing agency. I wasn’t taking on extra responsibilities or pushing for promotions or opportunities elsewhere.
Jenny went the other way, looking to increase her education and putting a lot of effort into networking. It paid off, as she got a big project management job helping to build ESPN+ for Disney.
We finally got pregnant in 2018
While trying for kids, we’d paid attention to what we saw in other families that we wanted to emulate, like how their kids behaved and their parenting approaches. The most surprising commonality was they had a stay-at-home parent.
We looked at the numbers closely to see if we could make that work. Financially, my wife’s salary was enough to support the whole family, so I said, “I’ll give it a shot.”
I was making enough money to justify working beyond childcare costs, but our decision was about the level of involvement we wanted in our children’s formative years.
I had no idea if I’d like it or hate it
I wasn’t worried about leaving my job. I knew I had a transferable skill set, and with strong experience in law and marketing, I was confident I could find a good job if it didn’t work.
I made Jenny promise that if I hated being a stay-at-home dad, we would find a day care, and I would just start looking for new work.
We had our first child in 2019, and I quickly loved being a stay-at-home dad. Our second child was born in January 2021.
My wife began working from home during the pandemic and still does
Her office is right off of our dining room, so there are times when I try to get the kids to eat in another room. When she has something really important, I do something outside the house with the kids.
Early on, we discovered that we needed to establish some boundaries. Sometimes, she would have two minutes until her next meeting, so she would come out to get a kiss from the baby. He would get very upset when he saw Mom arrive and then quickly leave. A kiss from the baby turned into half an hour of work for me.
I do most of the household chores
I cook for the kids — ham sandwiches and things like that. My wife is very good at cooking and does much of it for us. She’s also very specific about how she likes laundry done, so she tends to do most of that.
I handle cleaning, yard work, household maintenance, and trash. I also handle all the administration, such as school medical forms and signing up for after-hours activities.
Being a stay-at-home dad has a very positive impact on our marriage
It allowed us to move into parenting with pretty clear expectations. After returning to work, Jenny never wondered if the baby was OK because we were only a quick FaceTime or text message away. It let her focus more on her career with less “mom guilt.”
The work-from-home shift drastically increased the time we spent together as a couple. We prioritized having individual interests that take us outside the house to help keep us from becoming entirely codependent and isolated.
I joined a community of other dads to share my experiences and learn from others
I came across The National At-Home Dad Network online and found many of its materials useful. I spoke at their first convention.
It’s amazing how many common experiences we share. The hardest one is probably the isolation, especially during the years before the kids start school.
I have no regrets about leaving the workforce
Being a stay-at-home dad has allowed me to focus on spending time with my kids and providing a safe, stable environment for them to thrive. It’s a little intimidating that the only performance-based feedback you receive is what kind of people your kids become, but I think we’re on the right track.
When my daughter graduated pre-K, they gave superlative awards to everyone, and hers was Miss Manners. To me, that confirmed we’re doing something right.
I’m not opposed to re-entering the workforce when my kids are older, but I don’t want to return for at least two more years. As conditions change, we will continue evaluating how our family is doing physically, emotionally, and financially and make the best moves we can based on those insights.
