This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Kim Nutter, partner Brinkley Morgan. It has been edited for length and clarity.
Across the country people are being asked to return to the office — even at the law office I work at. It’s causing chaos for people who have become used to working at home during the pandemic. Returning to the office can be especially disruptive to parents — including those who have built custody agreements around working from home.
Here’s what divorced or never-married co-parents should know about adjusting their schedules and finding a new norm for their family.
Childcare costs impact child support
If you share custody, child support is a shared expense. That means if one parent suddenly needs more paid childcare, there might be adjustments to child support orders. Now, this doesn’t mean that you can hire an au pair or nanny and expect your co-parent to pay half. The court usually makes a judgment based on the cost of average childcare in your area — so it’s helpful to get quotes from daycares, after-school programs, etc.
Anytime money gets involved, people start to get prickly, which can get in the way of working together to make the best decision for your children. Remember you’re not just “giving” this money to your co-parent — you’re spending it on your child.
Start slowly with schedule changes
When one parent needs to return to the office, but the other has a more flexible schedule, it can be tempting for that parent to help more with childcare. For example, Dad picks up the kids from school, even on the weeks they’re scheduled to be at Mom’s. This often makes sense to co-parents who have a good working relationship since it can save money on childcare.
And yet, it can be too much for the child. Sometimes, we ask kids of divorce to pack that proverbial backpack too often. It’s a lot to wake up at Mom’s, get picked up by Dad, then go back to Mom’s to sleep. If you want to try this, start very slowly — with the parent doing pick-up one or two days a week. After a few weeks, check in with your co-parent and see if they’ve noticed any changes or pushback from your child.
Start with mediation, not court
Courts hate being used for every small decision. Plus, it’s costly and time-consuming. Instead of running to courts and lawyers, turn to mediation first. This can mean either working with an attorney who is also a mediator or a family therapist who’s a mediator.
If you have a high-conflict relationship with your co-parent, I recommend booking two mediation sessions a week apart. Then, gather your evidence — like estimates for the increased cost of childcare — to help the sessions stay productive and efficient.
Use the spring to plan for the next school year
School schedules for the following year are usually released around April. That makes the spring the perfect time to sit down with your co-parent and hash out the schedule for the next year. If you need special accommodations — like an extra day with the kids when your mother visits — mark that on the calendar now.
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There are always surprises in life, but with good planning (and, perhaps, the help of a mediator), you can plan ahead for most of them.
Try to prepare for all scenarios
With kids and families, change is constant. It’s normal to have to revisit parenting plans — even those that weren’t crafted during a pandemic. After all, when your 9-year-old eventually gets their license, everything is going to change — and that will happen a lot sooner than you think.
Don’t just think about the ideal scenario or the next year or two. Consider what happens five or 10 years down the road when someone moves or remarries. If you can agree about how you’ll respond to major life changes before they happen, you’ll have a framework for moving through them without too much conflict, expense, or court involvement.
