This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Ameenah Thobani. It has been edited for length and clarity.
Before my dad died last year, I remember him flicking through my wedding photos from 23 years prior and commenting on how young he looked — how he used to be so healthy and energetic. He had changed. He was no longer the young man in those photos.
But for years, he had been. It was only when he started to tell himself and verbalize how tired he was that he became tired and seemed to age more rapidly.
Perimenopause left me drained
Around the age of 43, I began experiencing perimenopausal symptoms, starting with sudden episodes of unexplained rage. Over time, these symptoms expanded to include irregular bleeding, severe fatigue, and debilitating migraines. There were days when simply getting out of bed felt impossible, deeply affecting my daily life and emotional health. Negative self-talk about my body and health further intensified my struggles during this period.
At 45, I thought about all the years before perimenopause that I had felt well nearly all the time. I didn’t have any health issues, was on no medication, and felt good most of the time. But even then, all I focused on was my weight. I spent my “good years” ungrateful for the body I’d had — only concerned with how I looked, thinking beauty was only to be found in being a certain size.
As I watched my dad regret taking all those younger years of his life for granted, I wanted to make sure I didn’t do the same. I wanted to learn to appreciate the moment and how my body is currently rather than focusing on what I don’t like about it.
I express my thankfulness to my body
In 2022, I started to retrain how I thought about my body. From my work, I know that you can retrain your brain, but it takes effort and time.
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I now go to bed early every night and wake up at 4 a.m. to meditate, connecting to the source of all my energy. I intentionally acknowledge my body, express thankfulness for it, and remember I have to take care of it.
Next, I look in the mirror and brush my teeth with my left hand (my dominant hand is my right — using my left-hand makes my mind focus on what I’m saying to ingrain it into my thought pattern) while repeating affirmations.
“I am healthy, wealthy, and divine,” I say. “Everything comes to me in perfect time. I shine bright like the sun. I am vibrating in abundance and health and wellness.”
Instead of focusing on all that is going wrong with my body, I focus on its health and ability.
Another way I stay grateful is by imagining I am 90 years old and getting to wake up in my 48-year-old body again. It leaves me feeling grateful and bubbling with energy. After all, I’ve got another 40 years to live! I’m not going to spend my time worrying about my body — there’s so much more to life!
As I became more appreciative of my body, I wanted to take care of it. I spoke with my doctor about the symptoms I was experiencing, and she gave me the option of HRT. I eventually decided to try it, and my symptoms alleviated.
Even in the middle of perimenopause, I am grateful for my body and all it is able to do, aware that one day, I’ll reflect on my body at 48 with joy.
