I Struggled for Years About Whether I Wanted to Become a Mother

It seems that many women have known they want to become mothers for almost their entire lives. Some even dream of how many children they will have and what their names will be.

For others, like me, the decision to become a mother wasn’t as clear. And, at times, the idea seemed downright terrifying.

I’ve been ambivalent for a long time

The idea of having children couldn’t have been further from my mind as a teenager and young adult. In my 20s, I wavered between ambivalence and fear. God forbid I had gotten pregnant with any of the men I dated at that time in my life.

As 30 loomed, my indifference grew louder. Why didn’t I know what I wanted yet? The decision to become a mother or remain childless began to weigh heavily on me.

After a life-changing move, I met the man who would eventually become my husband. We married when I was 32. As newlyweds, we lived in bliss, enjoying each other and our freedom.

As time passed, I could hear my biological clock ticking louder. He never pressured me one way or another, and having kids wasn’t a conversation we devoted much time to. I always assumed the decision would become obvious to me, yet here I was, still as unsure and just as afraid as I always had been.

I had to look deep inside

I scoured personal essays, hoping to find clarity. Oddly, I didn’t find much on the subject. From posts about regretful parents to others writing about how their children are their reason for living, these contradictions only confused me more.

I finally came across the book “Motherhood: Is It For Me?” and decided to give it a read.

I spent the next 12 weeks on a journey that required serious introspection, honesty, and openness. It turns out that for most of my adult life, telling myself that having a child could be a mistake required a lot of undoing.

I slowly overcame my fears

Over time, I learned that the most pressing emotion I felt was the potential for regret. Regret from making the wrong decision — either way.

I realized that I was harboring trauma from my past that was making the idea of having a child seem wrong. I was also allowing imagined judgment from others to guide one of the most personal choices of my life.

I had spent my life up until now living a child-free lifestyle. I had brainwashed myself into believing that being child-free was the best way to be. And now I was afraid to give myself permission to change my mind.

The reality was that I was in a healthy, loving marriage. We were stable emotionally and financially. We had purchased a home and were settled. My life was nothing like it was 10 years prior. This revelation felt intensely freeing.

I’m at peace with my choice

I learned that I had to differentiate the external and internal reasons for wanting or not wanting a child. This simple exercise made it apparent that my arguments were flawed. External reasons, such as a lack of sleep, expensive childcare, and changes to my body, did not hold a candle to the bigger picture. To the possibility of love, purpose, and watching a child grow and learn.

While I understand and support a woman’s choice to choose differently, I came to the conclusion that becoming a mother was something I wanted. I had to block out the noise —the opinions, the expectations, the what-ifs —to discover my own truth. I felt relieved, empowered, and at peace with my choice.

Having kids — or not —is a no-brainer for many people, but it wasn’t for me. Now I know that, as one of the most important decisions one can make, it shouldn’t be based on your partner’s or parents’ wishes, the influence of strangers online, your social circle, or society’s expectations. Only you can decide what’s right for you. And for me, that meant adding one more to our family.