The summer between my third and fourth years of college at the University of Maryland, I took a haphazardly planned trip to Wales to stay with a family I knew who agreed to host me while I travelled around the UK.
During that summer, I met the man whom I would marry not even two years later.
Having not settled into a job in the US, I decided to be the one to make the transatlantic move, not fully aware of just how life-changing the decision would be. I suppose in your early 20s, you don’t consider all the future implications of living away from your home country and family.
Along with navigating bureaucracy, immigration, tiny roads, how to find a job given my US qualification didn’t transfer, and friendships in a country that wasn’t familiar to me, I had to come to grips with what it meant to be thousands of miles away from my family.
Having kids exacerbated those feelings
I remember crying myself to sleep when I couldn’t just jump in the car to see my mom for a hug and cry after a hard week. My grandmother, whom I adored, died, and I heard about it via a phone call in the middle of the night. I didn’t have the money to afford a red-eye flight to attend the funeral.
When I started having kids, the longing for family was more acute.
I’d always imagined my family stopping by the house all the time once I’d had babies. They would tell me to go have a shower while they held the baby. Or give the ignored house a little clean while I napped.
Once the kids were older, I hoped they’d grow up with their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins — one big, happy family. Help with childcare would be abundant, and so many would be able to have my kids.
There was none of that.
But instead of forever mourning the loss of the family life I thought I’d have, I’ve embraced the ways we can still connect as a family, despite our distance from each other.
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We talk all the time
Since moving to Wales, I’ve phoned my family using either Rebtel, Skype, Zoom, or WhatsApp, depending on which apps were the cheapest at the time.
During the pandemic, I’d open Zoom to talk to family, who’d entertain the kids for me while I’d quickly clean the dishes or wash a load of clothes.
My mom found games she could play online with them while they talked — hoping to engage with them on their level.
In recent years, WhatsApp has been the easiest way to talk. I’ll often take my phone with me on a walk, or sit while watching my boys at football training, and talk to my parents.
Courtesy of the author
The downside of international chats is the time difference. We are five hours ahead here, which proves tricky during the week. For example, when my mom is out of work, we typically go to bed. But we’ve learned the days and times that work and take full advantage of those times to catch up.
My eldest son recently got a phone and has gotten in on the texting fun. He loves being able to message the family about very random bits of his life.
My parents send the kids presents
One of the ways my parents have stayed connected to our boys is through presents.
At first, this annoyed me. We have a tiny house with no extra space. Stuff sprawls out of every corner. When packages would come — on birthdays, holidays, and even just random days — I’d sigh, wondering where I’d put them once opened.
But my mom recently said to me, “It’s my way of showing them I am thinking about them when I can’t be close.”
Since then, I’ve not complained, but welcomed the gifts as connection points, even if they do fill our house to overflowing.
We make an effort to visit my family in the US
Before having kids, I flew over once a year to visit. With my first two, I continued trying to get over once a year, but it became increasingly difficult to manage both the practicalities of traveling with young children and the costs of plane tickets.
Once I had three kids, the pandemic hit, which halted our travel for a few years.
Now that travelling back is an option, my kids are older — 11, 9, and 6 — and so much easier to travel distances with. They just watch TV or play on tablets.
The kids might be easy to travel with, but the price of international travel is astronomical. We save up for it as a normal part of our budgeting, and my family occasionally offers to help by buying tickets.
Different family members also try to visit us here too. Recently, my sister actually moved to London, about four hours from us, so we see her more often, which has been absolutely lovely for my boys and me.
I worry about my aging parents
As I consider what maintaining connection with family will look like in the future, I worry.
My parents certainly won’t be able to visit us when they are in their 80s, which means it will always be us going there for visits (money, money).
And who is going to take care of them as their health declines? I genuinely think this might be the hardest part of living in a different country than they are.
To prepare, I’m putting money away so I can quickly book a plane ticket if they need me. In the back of my mind, my husband and I are also considering what we need to organize (visas and money) so we can live short-term in the US to help out as my parents age.
Although I don’t regret leaving my family to marry and raise my family in a different country, it has made life more complicated and costly — something I wish I had known, so I could have been better prepared.
