When I got the news that I was going to be a father, a lot went through my mind. First, there was excitement and happiness. We weren’t trying to have a baby, but we were also not trying not to. Then came fear and even doubt.
My wife once told me that we were raising an adult, not a child and that we wouldn’t always be there for him.
So, from a young age, we raised our son to be his own person, to think for himself and make decisions. We taught him critical thinking, time management, and making choices with money. He didn’t like team sports, so he chose taekwondo. He learned discipline, and it provided him with a personal challenge, which was in keeping with his personality.
He now has a daughter
He’s grown up now. After graduating from a magnet high school technology program, he joined the Army, was awarded an ROTC scholarship, and was commissioned as an officer. He’s now a construction manager, married, has bought his first house, and is a father to a little girl.
My son’s job is just a 10-minute commute. He has the flexibility to come home for lunch or work from home sometimes. When he comes home, Jena runs to the door and calls to her daddy. No matter how long he’s worked or how tired he is, he picks her up and excitedly says, “Hello, beautiful.”
From my point of view, we have a lot to be proud of. But there are some who would say that I failed as a father. That I didn’t raise my son to be a “man” because I didn’t make him play football or because I interceded when there were issues in Scouts with bullies. I actually had a scoutmaster tell me that “boys will be boys,” believing that fighting would somehow make them men.
Many in society will often look down on men who do not hold to their masculine ideals. A television host criticized a husband recently for grocery shopping with his wife. Some believe firmly in having only traditional gender roles. Where men are providers and women the caregivers.
I set the example that family came first
When my son was born, I decided that my family would come first. That meant prioritizing family time, being home for dinner, school events, after-school and weekend activities, and vacations.
There were times when I made career choices that weren’t the best for me but were the best for my family. It meant taking jobs that weren’t the highest salary but were stable, a short commute and prevented us from having to move to pursue a career. Turns out I was leading by example.
Like me, my son prioritizes family time, goes shopping with them, and pushes strollers. He goes on vacations, camping trips, and picnics in the park. He parents his daughter when his wife goes to yoga. And has even gone to work with nail polish after Jena decided to give him a manicure.
Maybe being a man means more than being physically tough and emotionally vacant. Maybe being masculine can mean making tough choices and not being defined by others.
The other night, my wife and I were at our son’s house; it was nearly dinner time. A car backed into the driveway. Our granddaughter, now 3, ran through the kitchen, threw open the door, and shouted, “Daddy!” From outside, we heard a man say, “Hello, beautiful.”
