- My eldest is 14 and a half, and it’s not unusual for me to be ignored, insulted, or shouted at.
- I try not to take it personally, but I still need my teen to know I’m there for her.
- Recently, we’ve discovered we enjoy working out together.
As a mother of four girls, ages 7 to 14, I thought I’d be prepared for the teen years.
I was so naive.
Having a teen daughter is wonderful, funny, messy, eye-opening, and joyful but can also be scary.
Unlike all the previous parenting stages, you can no longer kid yourself that you have control over anything. Not when your adorable, cooing baby is your height, slamming a door in your face, ignoring everything you say, or informing you that our outfit makes you “look like a potato.”
I never wanted to be my child’s “best friend.” However, it was shocking how different our relationship became (seemingly overnight), though every teen parenting book warned me this would happen.
Initially, I took it personally: the insults, the eye-rolling, the mumbled, monosyllabic answers. Now, I look for ways to keep channels of communication open between us.
Like exercising together, which has become one love language we both enjoy.
Connecting through shared passions
One of the challenges in my relationship with my eldest daughter is how similar we are, from our physical features to our personality traits.
I understand why she needs to push me away. I behaved identically as a teen.
While we can connect over a shopping excursion (teen girls tend to be nice once a Sephora purchase has been made, at least for a little while), our shared passion for fitness and sport has really brought us together.
Moving together
As a teen, I wanted to become a professional ballerina, spending my days training at the School of American Ballet in Manhattan.
My daughter is a junior county-level cricketer, not a dancer (we live in London), so we both understand the importance of having a passion for something that you want to live and breathe all the time.
Not everyone will understand the focus, discipline, commitment, and sacrifice required, but my daughter reminds me of myself at her age.
Last year, my teen started circuit training as part of her school sports program; I’d begun lifting weights to build strength during perimenopause. We’d work out in the living room, or my daughter would ask me to throw balls in the backyard. Slowly, we found ourselves doing spontaneous fitness sessions, like going for the odd run or heading to the hotel gym together on vacation.
Instead of exploding into a screaming match, we’d often giggle during these gym sessions. My daughter would give me training tips; I’d usually beg her to switch to lighter weights (and she’d ignore me). But somehow, it felt effortless — and fun.
These workouts are never about “improving” appearance, though my daughter enjoys hitting a new speed or endurance milestone. We discuss the merits of being strong rather than thin, but we also know that we don’t exercise solely for our bodies. With our busy minds, exercise is our happy place — calming but energizing, motivating, and grounding.
Learning a new language together
Teenage girlhood often involves rejecting your mother in some way. I’m OK with that, but no matter how many doors get slammed in my face, I want to make sure my kids always know mine is open.
Communication can look different from what we expect. When we work out, my teen and I are mostly silent. Occasionally, I’ll ask my daughter what song she’s listening to; she’ll wonder if she can “borrow” the workout top I’m wearing for our next session.
Sometimes, she’ll catch my eye and smile at me in the mirror behind her. Like she knows I’m there to spot her, cheer her, support her — in life, as well as in the gym.
