This as-told-to essay is based on an interview with Noe Parenteau, 80, who lives outside Fort Myers, Florida. Parenteau works as an operations automation analyst and wishes he had more money to pay for his loved ones’ medical care. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
I was considering retiring after I turned 80, but the cost of geriatric care is high. My sister and ex-wife both require care. My sister is in full-time memory care, and my ex-wife has needed more care over the past two years after a dementia diagnosis, so I decided to keep working.
I’m trying to help support them, whether it’s paying the care facility directly or paying them to provide some support or outside nurses. I’m not contributing too much right now. It’s a tag team with my family to check up on them.
I’m doing fine financially, but I don’t really know if I would ever retire because I tried it once, and I was just sitting around doing nothing other than volunteer work. I have a good job and get overtime, which helps me set aside some money for other geriatric care we might need.
I’m also a grandfather. My grandkids bring me great joy, even though I don’t see them enough.
I’ve had a long career in tech
I began my career in computer operations, handling peripheral equipment, before moving into a more software engineering support role. I moved to a bank in a supervisory role, took a buyout there, then worked at a data analytics company for 10 years. By then, I was in my 50s, so I took a three-year sabbatical.
I worked a few other jobs in computer operations and project management after that. I took on a technical lead position, which is where I am right now. Also, I’m collecting pensions from a few businesses I worked with years ago, as well as Social Security.
Care costs thousands of dollars each month
My sister is in memory care, which costs around $7,000 a month.
My ex-wife also receives care. We were married for 17 years and divorced, but my four daughters have kept us all together as one group. Two of my daughters handle her finances and any regular interactions with the doctors. My ex-wife is a breast cancer survivor, and she continued to work as long as she could. But over the last two years, her health has gone sideways.
Noe Parenteau
My daughters are really on the ball working with her. Her care costs about $5,000 a month. We’re trying to keep her in an assisted living facility as long as we can. If we had to move her, the added care would cost as much as $6,000 to $7,000 a month. We do have some money set aside, but we really want to keep her in a nice facility we have confidence in, with fewer visitor restrictions than a memory care facility would.
I’m in Florida and am thinking about relocating closer to them
My sister and my ex are in Wisconsin, and my daughters live in Minnesota, Chicago, and Milwaukee. Six months ago, I took a trip to Wisconsin to look for a home and relocate, but doing so would mean I would lose some of my earning power because there are more taxes there, and I don’t have a car.
I’ll probably look into relocating again this summer, but I’ve come to realize that the best way I can help now is through financial support.
One of my sister’s daughters is very close to her and checks on her regularly. She’s earmarked some funds for her mother, and I told her that I could probably bear some of the costs, maybe $2,000 a month to keep her in memory care.
We’re also seeking more Medicare dollars for my sister’s support. If my sister’s family has to exhaust their funds to support their mother, we may have to rely on the county or other family members who want to help. That’s a sharp stick in the eye, especially when raising a family and having kids going to college.
It seems like this country doesn’t spend a lot of money on geriatric care, and that’s a sad story for such a wealthy nation.
I’m trying to work as much as I can, so we’ve got a hedge on finances
My ex-wife’s family has been known to live well into their 90s, and she’s the same age I am. She could be in memory care for five to 10 years.
It’s good that I can help, but for me to come up with what could be up to $12,000 to $14,000 a month, it would have to come out of my pension, savings, and investments. If I have to do it, I’ll do it.
This is my second sister who has contracted dementia. My other sister was in assisted living and then went into memory care. She passed away about three years ago. My sister now has a lot of anxiety, and sometimes she can’t put two and two together and gets frustrated by it. The symptoms of dementia are difficult to deal with unless you’ve gone through them and been prepared for them.
I fear that the situation with my sister and ex-wife will trickle down to my daughters, so I continue working in case they need assistance if their savings deplete.
We try to let the grandkids determine the amount of interaction they want
I try to talk to my grandkids as much as I can, telling them that when I was their age or younger, most of these people didn’t live in an elder care situation. They lived at home often.
My grandkids and I get together at Christmas, and I try to travel more to see them in the summertime when they’re not all in school. Over the past decade or so that I’ve been living in Florida, I try to go up for an extended period of time, where I can take them to school and see them in their daily lives. I want them to see me as part of their daily lives, too.
I live by myself and don’t really go out. I live frugally and try to make sure that my investments and savings are there for any emergency or special occasion, whether it’s a graduation or any educational or health issues that may arise. They may need a car or a down payment.
I suspect the money I have set aside for retirement will be diminished over time. I’m reaching a point where I don’t think there’s going to be much there for me, and I’m sure my daughters would probably take me in. I suspect I’ll one day be in the same situation that my sister and ex-wife are in.
