I Work Multiple Jobs; My Husband Chases His Dream. Can He Do His Part?

Dear For Love & Money,

Up until four years ago, I was strictly a stay-at-home parent who coached seasonally. Now I am a teacher, a student, still a coach, and the primary “everything” parent. My money is intended for our three kids and my activities, a structure my husband and I agreed to before I started working.

Well, since then, my husband, who works in sales, has had more zero-dollar months in the last two years than the rest of his 17-year career. He’s also decided to pursue his dream job. I’m all for the dream job, but in the meantime, I think he needs to earn something to help.

I’ve taken on yet another job that I hope to maintain when the school year begins. I shouldn’t be the only one working this hard. I don’t make enough to cover our day-to-day expenses, so it’s been me, our church, and food stamps getting us through.

I don’t feel it’s OK when capable people aren’t doing their part. How do I make him see that I’m doing my part, so he needs to do his?

Sincerely,

Overworked Harpy

Dear Overworked,

As absurd as it may seem, it’s not hard to see why there’s a societal pressure to figure out what we want to do for a living by as early as 18 years old— it feels a lot less financially practical to do so once you’re a few kids in, with a mortgage to pay.

While that may be the ideal, I know from personal experience it doesn’t always go that way. Sometimes, it takes time to figure out our careers. When that happens, we have to make chasing our dreams and surviving financially work alongside one another.

I know this better than most; my husband and I started our family before either of us graduated from college, and we’ve had to take turns being primary income earners and caregivers, to help finance each other’s schemes. It isn’t easy and has taken self-awareness, honesty, and constant communication. From what you’ve written, it sounds like these three traits are largely missing from how you and your husband navigate your current financial situation.

Fortunately, learning how to communicate with your partner about this balance is the specialty of Ramit Sethi, author of the New York Times bestseller “Money for Couples” and host of a podcast of the same name. Every week on his podcast, Sethi helps families figure out how to achieve their “rich lives” together. “Rich life” is his term for a lifestyle that reflects your values, goals, and the things that bring you joy. When I shared your story with him to seek his advice, he emphasized that the most important thing is for you and your husband to have a shared vision. Right now, it doesn’t seem you’re on the same page.

Even as your circumstances changed, your agreements did not. Now, you’re responsible for all the bills, lifestyle expenses, and caregiving duties, and your husband apparently takes this arrangement for granted even as his income dries up. Sethi said it’s essential to begin with how you both want your life to look and feel before drawing an arbitrary line down the middle of your bills. As Sethi explained, “Once you have a vision of your rich life, you’re going to see if it’s possible. If it’s not possible, you’re going to have to make some decisions about what to do.”

Only after you’ve done this should you run the numbers.

Sethi suggested that the best way to address this unfair arrangement is through a series of conversations. It can be scary to get vulnerable with our partners, admit our limitations, lay out what we expect from them, and share our hopes and dreams for the future. So, we avoid having these hard discussions by getting it all done with one big “money talk,” where we eyeball our finances and come up with solutions that seem basically fair.

Instead, Sethi said, the topic of money needs to be an ongoing, enjoyable conversation between you and your partner. It doesn’t need to be painful; his book contains several scripts for having these conversations. Sethi offered these opening statements:

• “I want us to be able to talk about money. I think it will be amazing for us to be on the same page and not stressed.”
• “Right now, when we talk about money, I feel stressed and resentful. How does it feel for you?”
• “When we talk about money, I want to feel confident and connected. How about you?”

Once you’ve started this conversation, it’s important to find a shared vision for your rich life. You can get there by saying, “Here’s how I want our life to feel. How about you?”

Sethi’s scripts aren’t accusatory. They are honest, curious, and non-judgmental, treating marital finances as a team effort rather than a battleground. Only when you have this shared vision with your husband can you strategize together how to achieve it.

Sethi has a conscious spending plan you can use to do this. This is where your husband may find real direction. If your conscious spending plan says that a partner and father doing his fair share should be bringing in $5,000 a month, your husband can problem solve how to come up with that amount — saving you from quietly doing it all, or being a “harpy”.

Sethi suggests the first conversation in the series should be a short one that focuses on honesty and connection, but always end your conversations by scheduling your next. As ominous as a standing “money talk” with your husband may sound, remember that, handled well, it can be empowering and life-changing. Not to mention, as Sethi says, getting to talk about money is a “gift you will have for the rest of your life.”

All of this hinges, of course, on whether your husband is open to talking with you about money. If he isn’t, I would look into couples therapy. Or, if it’s more his style, sitting down with a financial planner to figure out how to make things between you more equitable. Your exhaustion and resentment matter. So far, this arrangement has worked for your husband because of your grace and work ethic. You deserve the same in return.

Rooting for you,

For Love & Money

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