My Life As an H-1B Holder Feels Unstable Even After 12 Years in the US

This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Surbhi Madan, 30, a senior software engineer at Google. She lives in New York. It has been edited for length and clarity. Business Insider has verified her employment and visa details.

I came to the US in 2013 to pursue a bachelor’s at Brown University. I was inspired by my older brother, who went to the US for his master’s and liked the teaching approach.

College was a big cultural adjustment, and I wasn’t prepared for how cold the East Coast got. Still, I loved building an independent life, finding new hobbies, and meeting people from all over the world.

During my four years of college, I didn’t think seriously about my long-term future in the US.

I interned at Google’s New York office one summer and landed a full time offer with the company a semester before I graduated. I kicked off the process for my Optional Practical Training and received my H-1B visa in the lottery on my first try.

While the one-third probability of getting picked in the lottery remains the same since I applied in 2017, the job market when I graduated felt better. Companies were hiring and willing to sponsor H-1B applications. I feel like I got really lucky when I compare it to the situation for recent graduates now.

Long-term stability

I’ve been with Google for eight years and have grown to become a senior software engineer.

I’m in a phase of my life where I’m thinking about long-term stability. I’m looking for leadership roles and have considered a career change.

In college, I was a teaching assistant, and I still volunteer for teaching opportunities, especially for women in tech causes. I’ve thought about pivoting into a teacher career or pursuing teaching opportunities along with a full-time job, but a work visa like the H-1B doesn’t allow for either of those options.

I enjoy my work, but there is an internal expectation to do well because my performance is the only thing in my hands. I cannot control the economy or the layoffs that have been sweeping tech.

I’m not putting down roots

I’ve been living in the US for 12 years. My challenges feel very different from my friends who are US citizens.

I have friends involved in activities like bike lane advocacy in New York. I refrain from volunteering because it means contacting my immigration lawyer to make sure it’s safe to get involved.

I’m anxious about making mistakes when I drive or file taxes because I don’t want anything to threaten my stay in the country.

Because of the visa, my life in the US feels temporary.

I have friends who are buying apartments. I find it hard to put down permanent roots. I have an option to renew my apartment lease for one or two years, and I always choose one year because I never know how long I’ll be allowed to live in the US.

One time, I was returning to the US after traveling abroad. At immigration, a US border officer asked me about the purpose of my visit, to which I replied, “I live here.” I remember him saying, “You don’t live here; you work here,” which left a mark on me. I remember thinking: “It’s true.”

My visa has become a consideration in my family planning, too.

I’m 30, and I have been looking into egg freezing as an option. While researching the process, I thought about what would happen if I no longer had working rights in the US and wanted to retrieve the eggs.

I had this vision of rolling into the US on a tourist visa with a suitcase to pick up my eggs, and I thought: “It’s not worth it.” I also can’t imagine having a person depend on me while I’m on a temporary status tied to having a job.

Once a year, I sit down and have a check-in with myself. I take into account the last few years, and the anxiety I feel about the future, and ask myself if this is still worth it. The answer has been yes — so far.

On the days I feel anxious, I try to refocus on the things in my control. I also have a decent financial cushion by now, which is another benefit of working in tech in the US for eight years.

This story is part of a project on the experiences of Indian H-1B holders working in tech. Read the full story here.