I Spend Expendable Income on My Kids’ Activities; Worried It’s Unfair

In suburban Philadelphia, they’ll teach your baby to swim for $1,050.

A lifeguard-turned-PhD developed a program to train kids to become comfortable in water before they can even walk, and then they franchised it around the country. Now my wife and I have to decide if we’re going to pay to see if our baby can float.

It’s part of the dizzying array of decisions that confront parents with any expendable money, beginning even before birth. There are sleep coaches, automated bassinets, and early SAT prep.

For me, an upper-income father, this gauntlet is both anxiety-inducing and a worrying component of inequality.

My kids have access to unlimited activities and services

As two professionals in Philadelphia’s mixed-income Fishtown neighborhood, my wife and I feel this pressure deeply. This fall, our eldest daughter starts at the neighborhood’s well-liked public school, which is making more urgent the same question millions of parents ask: Where’s the line between helping my children and unfairly stacking the deck?

We chose the nearby, affordable day care we could walk to over the highly-credentialed one farther away. We skipped most of the premium products marketed to new parents (no $1,700 Snoo bassinet here). We frequent our neighborhood secondhand store, swapping clothes and toys with local families there.

But we also made decisions we know others can’t. For our first kid, we opted for the sleep coach ($400), which saved my wife and me from yelling at each other at 3 a.m. We also set a recurring monthly ($100) contribution to each of our kids’ 529 plans.

And then there’s water safety. Ultimately, we passed on the intensive, thousand-dollar infant survival swim classes. Instead, we became regulars at our neighborhood city pool, enrolling in more affordable swim lessons at the nearby YMCA, which we can reach by bicycle.

I believe giving my kids access will also give them an unfair advantage

Parents have always had to make decisions about how much money and attention to invest in their children’s future. Today’s achievement culture has raised the stakes.

The “meritocracy trap,” as one Yale professor calls it, is an arms race in which too many parents buy their kids any head start they can find, daring other parents to do the same.

According to Afterschool Alliance, upper-income families now spend five times more on out-of-school activities than low-income families, significantly widening opportunity gaps before kindergarten even begins.

Plus, I know that putting my kids into all these after-school activities will only intermingle them with kids whose parents also have an expendable income.

I can’t help but think about the families that don’t have the privileges I have. It’s hard to spend money you don’t have, even on a kid you love dearly. But stories abound of parents stretching beyond their means, going into debt, or forsaking retirement savings to fund activities they feel pressured into.

I want my kids to spend time with children from different backgrounds. Research consistently shows that mixed-income friendships significantly boost economic outcomes for lower-income kids, enriching empathy and social outcomes for all.

My wife and I are focusing on three principles moving forward

Many more decisions are coming our way, so we’re developing a philosophy.

We are guided by three clear principles. First, we prioritize interactions with people from diverse socioeconomic backgrounds. Second, we choose activities close to home to maximize family time. Third, we focus on our children’s happiness rather than relentless skill development.

I want my children to have opportunities, but not at the expense of reinforcing societal inequities or their own sense of meaning.

I believe that if I parent intentionally, I will benefit not only my children but also my community.