Outside a café, a stranger and I struck up a conversation. Somehow, it turned to weddings. I explained to her that my cousin was getting married in Chicago this summer, and I was considering going, but it’d be pricey to take my entire family.
“You should go,” she said, her eyes boring into mine. “I have learned over the years how important it is to take every opportunity to be with family.”
With that conviction, I began planning how to make the trip affordable by using credit card points and asking to stay with the bride’s parents, my aunt and uncle, in the Chicago area. I decided we could make the trip work because, as the stranger said, you can’t put a price on family time.
Then I called my mom and learned that my aunt and uncle’s house had already been claimed. A setback, but I’d see if I’d accrued enough points to cover the hotel.
When the invitation came, it was addressed to only my husband and me. In “etiquette land,” that meant my kids were not invited to the wedding.
I respect the decision not to have children at a wedding — it saves money and there’s something fun about an adult-only celebration. Still, it does make it difficult for us out-of-towners, who are left with a few less-than-desirable options: either taking the trip without children, hiring a stranger, or bringing a babysitter with us.
In my situation, each option felt complicated. Leaving town without my children meant missing out on the summer memories I had been hoping to make in Chicago as a complete unit. Hiring a stranger in an unfamiliar city felt too unsettling, while bringing a babysitter along meant increasing the trip’s already higher-than-anticipated costs.
Then I learned there wouldn’t be a rehearsal dinner. That was the last straw — I had to decline the invite.
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Rehearsal dinners are one of the most underrated parts of a wedding celebration
I love rehearsal dinners. They feel like a chance to celebrate the bride and groom in a more relaxed environment because, let’s face it, wedding days are such a blur. The bride and groom are often pulled in a hundred directions for photographs, formal dances, and toasts, among other things. As a guest, I’ve never managed to do more than offer them a quick hug or congratulations.
The rehearsal dinner, however, is a break from the chaos — a chance to connect and have a meaningful conversation with the bridal party and family members. They don’t need to be hosted at a Michelin-starred restaurant either. In my experience, they are just an excuse to have a mini family reunion.
At my sister’s dress rehearsal, I had a long conversation with my great-uncle, connecting over our mutual love of history. It was one of the last times I saw him before he passed away.
Without a rehearsal dinner, we will spend less quality time with everyone who has traveled far and wide to be there, and I know I won’t get to see the bride much anyway. I love my cousin, and I’m sad to miss out, but I know we will visit again at a later time when we can spend more quality time together, rather than a rushed “Hi, thanks for coming to our wedding.”
So, I sent the couple a nice gift and plan to gush over the wedding photos when they’re posted. Who knows, maybe I’ll still eat an honorary piece of cake that night and raise a toast to their union.
