As a therapist, I run a support group for mothers with guilt and low self-esteem related to their children’s mental health or addiction struggles in young adulthood.
The mothers blame themselves. They express grief and jealousy when happy photos fill their social media feeds or the neighbors eat together next door.
I have celebrated and soothed alongside these mothers, hour by hour, year by year. Like most parents, their children had a variety of moments: power struggles, science fairs, sports achievements, and disappointing mistakes.
From my perspective, their children were navigating hard moments, but they were still good moms. I could easily list these women’s parenting strengths. How could I convince them, though?
I don’t like to hear ‘Good job, Mom’
I was thinking about these themes as I brought my own adolescent daughter to the pediatrician. I thought things were going well, but I know adolescents can mask difficulties. When I was in the waiting room, I felt as vulnerable as the women in my office.
After a private chat, my pediatrician came out with a big smile. She spoke to me about my daughter’s growth and confidence and said, “Great job, Mom! Keep doing what you’re doing!”
At first, I grinned back. Of course, I am relieved that my daughter is doing well. We have worked hard to help her grow and thrive. I hummed along as I drove away.
But then I thought about other times when I left the pediatrician’s office. Sometimes the pediatrician had lots of recommendations for me, because my child needed more care or different supports. No one said “great job” on those visits. In fact, I often felt lightly criticized or inadequate.
When my kids struggle, I’m still working hard behind the scenes
Although today’s feedback felt nice to hear, I realized that “great job” is too broad, finite, and not necessarily true. The doctor saw my daughter on a good day at one moment in time.
My child’s behavior at an individual snapshot in time does not reflect my parenting skills. Like all children, mine will appear to cope and smile at times when they suffer silently, or they might excel in one domain but struggle in another area.
Sometimes, I am the parent on the family bike ride, and we are flying along, excited and happy. Sometimes, I’m on the phone with a frustrated teacher or get an outraged text from a neighbor.
When my kids struggle, I’m working just as hard, if not harder, but my parenting skills and efforts go unrecognized.
Moms should give themselves compassion
My support group mothers connect well and have a lot of compassion for each other. As we meet each week in the safety of belonging and laughter, real truths start to emerge. The women are not “failing” at parenting. Young adults are not fully grown, and the relationship between parents and children can wind together and apart for many decades.
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Young adults are complicated shape-shifters, not packaged products. Their bodies and brains grow for many years into young adulthood.
We cannot force our children to adopt our values or control what they choose to do with their young minds and bodies. For instance, I didn’t choose to raise my children during a pandemic. I didn’t choose to develop breast cancer. There are unpredictable factors in childhood beyond a parent’s power, which can cause children to struggle in life.
From my perspective, skilled mothers are reflective parents who support their children with different supports at different stages. We create healthy boundaries that separate our self-worth from our children’s developing identities.
We have to tend to ourselves with the same compassion that we turn toward our children.
